I'm rather nervous about tonight. I have the opportunity to share my story and of course I'm going to because I believe God has given me this opportunity to tell of His grace in my life. I haven't done this in this manner before and it scares me but I know if God has put it together then He will make it go well. I really don't have many things to say about it right now because of how nervous I am. I have some preparation to do for it though. I know I need to write everything down so I don't get side tracked or mess something up. My mind has been in a whirlwind for awhile anyway. It's hard seeing an ex. That happened last week. Totally unplanned. I thought I would handle it better but it's harder than I thought. It's just messed with me and I have had a lot of trouble processing things. Ugh. I bet half of what I'm typing isn't even making that much sense.

Sometimes I would like to take a break from reality and relax and do my own thing a bit. I'm guessing everyone feels that way whether they admit to it or not. I think what I'm realizing is that I have this feeling often and that's one thing that led to the addiction I have struggled with on and off for a long time. Now that I am trying with all of my being to kick these old habits and truly rely on God and let Him heal my inner hurts, it makes me see how often I have given in to the temptations I have faced. I know He wants to make all my hurts better and I know all I have to do is trust Him with it and turn to Him in those times when I feel myself begin to struggle just as well as when I'm not. I know He wants all of who I am so He can make me what He wants me. Easier said than done but I'm seeing more and more that it's worth it.

Here are the lyrics of the bridge of a song I recently wrote.
"What if we gave
Him time to do His will in us?
What could we become
If we truly seek his face?"

Those words are true questions from my heart. There are often a lot of "what if's" that people ask but they keep them as "what if's" and never take the extra steps to really find out. It's scary, yes. I want to try to do better and trust Him more with my life and see what He wants with the opportunities that arise. The only thing that happens when I give into the temptations in feeling more empty and less satisfied.
I tried something new today. When I felt myself begin to struggle, I sang worship songs in my head until the desires I was having went away. God is bigger than the mess we make and the mess we crave. His faithfulness is often found with such simplicity. It only takes my willingness to see it.

A few of my favorites

I'm amazed at how freely some people are able to talk about sex. It's a difficult topic for me sometimes because of the many mistakes I've made with it. I'm happy to have heard about some blogs that are so open to the topic as far as finding cleansing and healing with the hurts and hang ups I've gotten myself in.
It's cool to see that there are other people like me, that think like me, want the same things I want, and struggle in areas that I struggle in as well. It's good to hear their openness and see their willingness to seek Christ and seek His healing. I know that the only way to heal from past mistakes is to let God have control over it and let Him heal you. It's hard and it takes time and I understand that more and more with each day that passes.
I'm trying my best to let Him have control over it. Sometimes I want to be the control freak and just do what I want to do. Of course that always leads to failure just like I knew it would. He's so good with being faithful to pick me back up and help me continue on my journey to finding peace and working towards the healing that I so desperately need.
At times I feel like Satan knows that I'm trying to do better and that I'm seeking God more and I'm running to find His will for my life because when I am doing those things more intensely, he fights me harder and harder. I wonder if it isn't more of God's will that I'm tested more through those times to see how genuine I am in seeking His will for me. If that's the case, things are only going to get more difficult. I'm trying harder and more sincerely than I ever have. My heart is truly in this! Let's get it on!

What if your healing comes through tears?

One of the 12 steps to recovery is to "Admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs". Wow. That's difficult. I have been thinking about this for awhile now and I know that I have to do it to heal. I have so many hurts inside still from the mistakes of my past. As long as I hold them inside and keep them to myself, I will continue to feel so torn inside. I want freedom. I want closure. I want more peace. I want to be free from the depression that ties me down.
The beginning of this process is terrifying. Maybe it will get a little easier with the more I "admit to someone". I don't know. This is new for me. I have already been to the point of shaking and crying because I'm so ashamed of the things I have done and how I have been a part of scarring another persons life. I'm sorry my dear friend. If I had it all to do over I would make things so different. I only have one chance at this life though and I want to make the best of it and learn from these hurts and let them heal the right way and be there for others as they heal and help others resist the path that leads to these kind of scars.
Hurts happen. People get hurt by the people they love. The love doesn't go away, the hurt just gets IN the way.

I had a hard afternoon a couple days ago and as I thought about the nature of a specific wrong that I've done, I wondered if Jesus felt is as a punch in the face or if he felt it as a slash across his back or if it was a big one that felt like the spear in his side or if it felt like one of those spikes going through his feet. I wondered if that specific sin caused him to feel that pain. It was so hard to think that he felt that pain so that I could feel better. He loved me even though the love hurt. Dang, the stuff that I do to him and he keeps coming back to me. I don't want to question it. It's amazing and it's grace. I will accept it but I can't comprehend it.

I know I have a long way to go to achieve this feeling of freedom that I want or to receive the closure that I'm looking for. I know there are many tears to come. I believe my healing will come through tears, many of them.

Somehow I've managed to have some alone time this morning. It's so nice to have quiet time to myself sometimes.