One of the 12 steps to recovery is to "Admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs". Wow. That's difficult. I have been thinking about this for awhile now and I know that I have to do it to heal. I have so many hurts inside still from the mistakes of my past. As long as I hold them inside and keep them to myself, I will continue to feel so torn inside. I want freedom. I want closure. I want more peace. I want to be free from the depression that ties me down.
The beginning of this process is terrifying. Maybe it will get a little easier with the more I "admit to someone". I don't know. This is new for me. I have already been to the point of shaking and crying because I'm so ashamed of the things I have done and how I have been a part of scarring another persons life. I'm sorry my dear friend. If I had it all to do over I would make things so different. I only have one chance at this life though and I want to make the best of it and learn from these hurts and let them heal the right way and be there for others as they heal and help others resist the path that leads to these kind of scars.
Hurts happen. People get hurt by the people they love. The love doesn't go away, the hurt just gets IN the way.
I had a hard afternoon a couple days ago and as I thought about the nature of a specific wrong that I've done, I wondered if Jesus felt is as a punch in the face or if he felt it as a slash across his back or if it was a big one that felt like the spear in his side or if it felt like one of those spikes going through his feet. I wondered if that specific sin caused him to feel that pain. It was so hard to think that he felt that pain so that I could feel better. He loved me even though the love hurt. Dang, the stuff that I do to him and he keeps coming back to me. I don't want to question it. It's amazing and it's grace. I will accept it but I can't comprehend it.
I know I have a long way to go to achieve this feeling of freedom that I want or to receive the closure that I'm looking for. I know there are many tears to come. I believe my healing will come through tears, many of them.
