I swear...if I get hit on one more time at the mall... It's driving me insane! And if another old man creeper tells me that he'll see me in his dreams. I know I'm not all that attractive but I may have to start taking ugly pills before I go to work. Or maybe a taser will do the trick. After hearing some things, I feel the need to shower and get the dirtyness off of me. Yuck. Ugh. Ick!

Well, I had a massive amount of blood drawn yesterday to check for a vitamin deficiency. I had this done a couple weeks ago but these were much more specific vitamins being checked for. I also had an MRI done yesterday for some pre-screening. I won't say what for just yet because it puts me a little on edge to type it. Now I must endure the weekend of waiting for the results. I should hear back from the neurologist Monday. I will do my best to chill and enjoy the weekend. There actually won't be any "chill" to my weekend since I will be working and also next week begins some finals. I'm so looking forward to having some time off from school and being able to enjoy my family.
On a positive note, I can't breastfeed for 24 hours after the MRI because of the IV contrast which means I can take my good pain medicine. That gives plenty of good potential for a good day!

My neurologist called to move my appointment from Thursday to tomorrow. Thank God! I can't keep waiting like this. I'm terrified. It's showing in everything I do. My depression has heightened and my nerves are frail. I'm completely overwhelmed. I skipped school today to sleep. I need this to be over. The waiting is so difficult. I need to know what's going on with me so I can begin dealing with it. Maybe I'm all worked up for nothing. I just don't know. I fear the unknown more than I fear anything else. I probably won't even get any answers tomorrow but maybe something will come of it. I feel like I deserve something horrible to be wrong with me. I feel like I've earned severe physical punishment for all the crap I've done wrong. I'm always hard on myself and forget that I can receive grace if I will allow it. This is me reminding myself...
I need to sleep well. I would love to go ONE night without pain. I would love to wake up one morning and feel alive and refreshed. When a body aches continuously as this one does, it's hard to keep motivation with some things. I'm so tired. I'm so weak and worn down. I need rest.

I'm so disappointed in myself for how I feel about the holiday season. I used to love every bit of it and actually look forward to it. Now, I look forward to the break from school and getting to see my cousins. That may be about it. No one really knows this but I don't want a tree in my house. I don't want to have to have any decorations. I don't want to have to shop for anything and I'm fine with not getting anything. The only thing I want to have in my house is some egg nog. Just a little. I wasn't like this until a few years ago. I don't know what changed. Maybe my innocence of childhood is completely gone and there are so many responsibilities that I have during this time of year and we don't have much money and I can't stand the cold weather. I do find joy in seeing my kids happy about Christmas and I love the different ways they express themselves. I don't look forward to the inlaws and traveling and such. I'm not normally this down and out with things but I had to get this out one way or another. Maybe if I get it all out I'll feel differently. Maybe? Maybe...
I just want to fast forward to the day after Christmas and go on vacation with my family and enjoy some time together without having to worry about anything around here.
I am excited about Hayden's first Christmas. He will be 7 months old. That will be very exciting for him. This Christmas I will have to be excited for my kids. That's what I will have to do.

I'm pretty much in love with my little family. We may not be perfect and we may get on each others nerves but there is no other man I would want to be with and there are no other children I would want to raise other than the ones I've been blessed with. If there's anything I want my kids to learn from me it would be for them to never stop forgiving and to love with all of their beings. My hopes would be that with that combination, their lives will be genuine and leave a tremendous mark on the lives around them.

Love Bug

This little bundle of love makes my heart happy

I'm loving the fact that when I stopped actively looking for someone to connect with, someone found me. That's how it works. I have developed a wonderful friendship over the past 6 months that I cherish. I thought that when I lost a best friend a while back, I would never find anyone remotely close. I'm glad God has planned otherwise. It's nice to go to lunch with someone and two hours pass by in what feels like 30 minutes with there being about 5 seconds of quiet time the whole time. I love having a friend that understands me and thinks similar to me but is able to bring a different perspective to a conversation and who also has to leave to get her kids from school just like I do. It's so awesome to have someone close that knows very detailed and fragile parts of my life but accepts me and even loves me for who I am and is willing to goof off with me as well as encourage me. Also, who is supportive of my marriage and who will be having a baby at the same time my little Hayden turns 1 year old. I feel very blessed and not worth it. I've definitely done my share of garbage to make myself not worth it. I'm just blessed and thankful for a lunch date with an amazing woman who I admire.