Christmas and I have a sort of bitter-sweet relationship now. I wouldn't trade anything for the time that I get to spend with the Owensby's and Johnson's. That's the sweet part. I still just struggle so darn bad with the whole other side of the family. It's just difficult. I don't ever feel completely accepted or free to be who I am. I love giving. I love giving from the heart. I'm not free to do that there. Maybe I've just felt for so many years that I give all I have to give and it isn't appreciated like I hope it will be. And it's hard for me to enjoy Christmas when I get so many things at one time that I really have no idea what I've gotten when I get home. That isn't Christmas to me. No one has to buy my gratitude. No one needs to buy my appreciation. In fact, no one can. That seems cheap to me. I don't need all these things to make me happy. Things from the heart make me happy. Not stuff..stuff...stuff...stuff...stuff... I will take something homemade any day. I will take a couple things over handfuls of things. It all loses it's purpose and sincerity when things begin to pile up. And I REALLY get frustrated when my kids are given so much that they don't have time to sit and appreciate the few things they've been given. It just all goes against everything I've ever known Christmas to be.
The only things I want for Christmas are a couple gift cards to Lowe's so I can do some things around the house that I need to do and I want a nice, cozy, comfortable, bright housecoat. Those things would make Christmas complete for me.

Oh...getting a Zildjian hoodie wouldn't hurt my feelings at all...

Survival=Victory

I did it! I survived and passed this semester! I'm not thrilled that I passed with 2-B's and 2-C's, but given the circumstances of the past 16 weeks, I will not complain at all. It's a totally different task to go to school having a 5 and 4 year old and finding out a quarter of the way through the semester that you're pregnant. All of that is fine but the sheer misery of morning sickness every day for 9 weeks is what did me in. So, over half the semester, I spent my mornings bowing to the porcelain god in the bathroom, or the side of the road, whichever was closest at any given moment. That's the reason I'm calling it survival.
Next semester will be different again because I'm going to attempt 2 classes during the first 8 weeks and then another 2 classes the second 8 weeks. I decided it was going to be best to do it that way because of my due date being May 24th and my kids tend to come 3 weeks early which will put me right at time for finals. I would rather have to make up 2 finals, or try to take them early, than trying to do that with 4 classes.
After saying all that, I'm going to kick back and enjoy my 2 weeks off. Right... I meant I'm going to clean the house, get the kids room in a better working order since we have put them in bunk beds and I will also continue getting the baby's room together :) Oh AND read my history book for next semester so I'm not killing myself with the workload of an online, 8 week History class. Just the combination of those words make me cringe. When these next 3.5 years are complete, I'll be happy that I dug in and got all this done!

I've been reading up a little bit on my neck injury. Yes, it's over a year old, it's nearly 2 years old, but I haven't done a lot of research on it just simply for the fact that I haven't wanted to be overwhelmed with it. The doctor has told me majority of what I've read so I trust the things he says. I trusted him with it before I read anything. He's one of those doctors that you can tell they know what they're talking about and aren't just pulling you back in to get your money or to experiment with your body to get practice.
Fact-I'm stuck with this for the rest of my life. Pain, everyday. Some days it's barely noticeable. Some days it's a nagging pain that I can't get rid of no matter what I do. Some days I can't get out of bed because of a migraine I have from it.
Cervical Facet Arthropathy. All the symptoms that is says one would have, I have them. There isn't much to be done with it either. Just kick back and enjoy life differently I guess. That's my plan!

Delayed Understanding

More irony
On time
I needed to read this devo that came in my email this morning.
Sometimes things couldn't work out more perfectly. So I must share it.

Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” John

13:7

God’s will is not always understood in the moment, but in retrospect it becomes clear. This is the design of the faith walk: remain faithful today, even though understanding may not come until tomorrow. Delays in the comprehension of circumstances seem like a divine detour, but it is a fruitful path for the Lord to show Himself trustworthy and wise. Be comforted for Christ is doing a deeper work—even if on the surface it seems shallow, insignificant and unnecessary. The details of how He takes the time to prepare us for His next assignment may seem redundant, but counter intuitive actions are not learned in one lesson. The idea that greatness comes from being a servant to all takes time to transform a heart. Jesus does not allow us to move on until humility truly moves in. “Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and exalt and glorify the King of heaven, because everything he does is right and all his ways are just. And those who walk in pride he is able to humble” (Daniel 4:37). A delayed understanding of God’s ways is not meant to delay our action in opportunities to serve. For example, we can’t immediately see the bigger meaning in the scare of an inconclusive blood test that leads to more invasive physical exams, but later we grow in our love for the physicians and nurses who care for us. Delays are God’s parenthesis for Him to produce good fruit in and through us. So we serve well while we wait to know. Do you feel trapped or caught in a no win situation? If so, what is the Lord trying to say? How can you grow as a student in Jesus’ school of unselfish service? Ask Him to convert your counterproductive frustrations into fuel for focus on the well being of others. You may have it hard, but someone else has it worse. Turn to the all knowing one in the middle of the unknown. The Holy Spirit will reveal His ways when you are ready. “Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD” (Psalm 27:14). Therefore, stand today in the security of your Savior Jesus, as He is your rock and reassurance. Understanding may not come until after your window of obedience. His love is not delayed, only your ability to totally comprehend His grander plan in the larger landscape of life. God’s delays are designed to accelerate your love for and trust in Jesus. “Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts” (Isaiah 26:8). Where do I need to remain faithful in the middle of a season of delayed understanding?

(From Wisdom Hunters Daily Devotional)

My self-esteem took a hard hit last night. It's kind of ironic how I wrote, just yesterday, about realizing some of my insecurities... I don't know how to deal with this one. At all. It's not pleasant to be hurt to tears. I just don't know what I'm up against this time.
I'm really hoping that the words "You make all things work together for my good" stick with me.

Game On

I believe I'm finally coming to the point where I can put words to how I've been feeling lately. In a way I feel like a teenager again with all the insecurities that come with the different ages within the those years and the way one attemps to find themselves during all of the changes. Of course it's different now than it was then because I am married with 2 children and nearly 4 months pregnant. The deal here is that I can't change my family, nor do I want to, but I have to be able to find who I am again in the midst of being responsible for 3 other lives.
Being in school is so much different than when I was a teenager. Of course! I have 3 other lives that are dependant on me. I don't have time to sit around and let my mind wander away with me and see where my thoughts lead me and what kind of creativity may come from it. That used to be one of my favorite things. I can't take an adequate amount of time to focus on my homework like I need to. I can't get lost in my studies and be where I want to be with them. It's nearly impossible. I'm not complaining about any of this. I'm letting myself know that I realize how different things are so I can figure out a way to make it all into a happy little mesh of things.
I'm not miserably sick every day now and I'm am extremely thankful for that! Now I have 2 months worth of things to catch up on because of the sickness. Luckily, I am very healthy now that it's time for finals but I have to do so well on them to make up for not doing so well because of being sick. I'm just hoping to manage my time well enough to do the best I can.
So, now that I have a few things figured out in my mind, I have to find a way to actively stay on top of things and apparently do it differently than I ever have. It sure seems complicated but at least I can put my thoughts in the right direction now rather than aimlessly thinking about why things don't make sense to me.
Maybe that was a mouthful of blabber that just went through my finger tips onto a computer screen but at least it's out of my head and I know which direction I'm going now. It's time to get more motivated than usual and get myself back on track.

"Lord move in the way that I've never seen before, There's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door, I'm drifting away, Waves are crashing on the shore, Lord move, Move or move me" - FFH