I'm so disappointed in myself for how I feel about the holiday season. I used to love every bit of it and actually look forward to it. Now, I look forward to the break from school and getting to see my cousins. That may be about it. No one really knows this but I don't want a tree in my house. I don't want to have to have any decorations. I don't want to have to shop for anything and I'm fine with not getting anything. The only thing I want to have in my house is some egg nog. Just a little. I wasn't like this until a few years ago. I don't know what changed. Maybe my innocence of childhood is completely gone and there are so many responsibilities that I have during this time of year and we don't have much money and I can't stand the cold weather. I do find joy in seeing my kids happy about Christmas and I love the different ways they express themselves. I don't look forward to the inlaws and traveling and such. I'm not normally this down and out with things but I had to get this out one way or another. Maybe if I get it all out I'll feel differently. Maybe? Maybe...
I just want to fast forward to the day after Christmas and go on vacation with my family and enjoy some time together without having to worry about anything around here.
I am excited about Hayden's first Christmas. He will be 7 months old. That will be very exciting for him. This Christmas I will have to be excited for my kids. That's what I will have to do.

I'm pretty much in love with my little family. We may not be perfect and we may get on each others nerves but there is no other man I would want to be with and there are no other children I would want to raise other than the ones I've been blessed with. If there's anything I want my kids to learn from me it would be for them to never stop forgiving and to love with all of their beings. My hopes would be that with that combination, their lives will be genuine and leave a tremendous mark on the lives around them.

Love Bug

This little bundle of love makes my heart happy

I'm loving the fact that when I stopped actively looking for someone to connect with, someone found me. That's how it works. I have developed a wonderful friendship over the past 6 months that I cherish. I thought that when I lost a best friend a while back, I would never find anyone remotely close. I'm glad God has planned otherwise. It's nice to go to lunch with someone and two hours pass by in what feels like 30 minutes with there being about 5 seconds of quiet time the whole time. I love having a friend that understands me and thinks similar to me but is able to bring a different perspective to a conversation and who also has to leave to get her kids from school just like I do. It's so awesome to have someone close that knows very detailed and fragile parts of my life but accepts me and even loves me for who I am and is willing to goof off with me as well as encourage me. Also, who is supportive of my marriage and who will be having a baby at the same time my little Hayden turns 1 year old. I feel very blessed and not worth it. I've definitely done my share of garbage to make myself not worth it. I'm just blessed and thankful for a lunch date with an amazing woman who I admire.

We have two baby teeth! Yay!!!!!

It's Pouring

I haven't been able to understand all the sickness my family has been facing since this school year started. I don't get why. Sometimes I think it's because we must be doing something right as a family and we're trying to be discouraged. Hayden has a double ear infection and an eye infection. The first antibiotic he was given made him projectile vomit every time he ate. I've never seen a baby throw up like that. It was terrible! So I took him off of it and asked for a new one. He started it today, so we'll see how it goes.
I thought my visit with the doctor would end up with me having another MRI on my back to see if there have been any changes. Nope. Not at all. I had two different types of nerve tests to see if I have peripheral neuropathy. I didn't too much care for those tests. Not fun. Both tests were normal, so my doctor decided I need to see a neurologist. What?! A neurologist? Why?? Because people don't have tingling and pain in their lower legs and feet for 12 weeks for no reason. So since everything checks out with my peripheral nervous system, more than likely it's my central nervous system. I'm not really ready to think about this or talk about it. I have no idea what they think or what tests they will do. I just know I'm not excited. When it rains, it pours. I just hope this storm of sickness is almost over and things aren't going to get worse. I do know that I would rather be sick than my kids. I just...don't want to do this neurologist thing. Most medical things don't scare me. This, however, is one that does.

I never thought that my first experience working in the mall would be at 27 years of age. It has it's ups and downs for sure but it really isn't that bad. The BEST part about it is having a cousin that works a couple stores away and we can see each other sometimes. And when the mall is closed and everyone has their doors shut, we can try to talk through the windows and act like mimes. Good stuff.