It has been an absolute insane beginning of the semester for me and my household. My time and energy is more committed than it has ever been. Every day is intense and exhausting. I find myself looking for time to go home and sit or just lay in the bed to remember what it feels like to be settled and know what relaxation is. School is very busy but it's so good. I love every bit of it. Except for Electron Interactions... But I'm doing very well in this program and I've been able to help a couple classmates boost their grades which has been awesome to see. Clinic is a neat experience. I enjoy most of it. Some people are harder to work with than others but that's to be expected. I don't have much free time on my hands at all and the Facebook hiatus I'm on has been wonderful. Sleep and quiet are my best friends right now. It's possible that they are more so the new loves of my life. I'm going to go find both of them now.

Dearest Summer, you have come to an end

I'm crazy happy/stressed/excited/overwhelmed/ready/nervous/and whatever else about school starting back tomorrow. It's been awhile since I've been in an actual medical program. I know what's expected. I know how it works. But I haven't done this with 3 children. Oh. My. Gosh. That's what's so overwhelming. I know it will be good and my main focus will have to be to do what I need to do one day at a time. So, here's to making it through tonight and sleeping without nervous anxiety! Then tomorrow I will try to only be concerned with what is necessary to get me through the first day of the semester. I know I have to plan ahead and be wise with my time and with my other commitments but I will drive myself crazy if I try to look at the big picture. I will need to live one day at a time and enjoy one moment at a time.

Crap...my pants need to go in the dryer. See...planning ahead is a brilliant idea.

Journey Onward!!

Times Like These

I don't have the opportunity to help people financially very often. Or do I?
Perhaps I just don't have my eyes open wide enough to see the needs that are always there.

I was at Walmart yesterday getting a cake for my mom's surprise birthday party and I was in line waiting to check out. I had to text Nate to be sure I had the things he had asked me to get, so I let the lady that was behind go on ahead of me while I waited for his reply. They were scanning all of her items and I was noticing all of it which is something I don't normally do. It was school supplies for her two children that were with her and some food also. As they were getting near the last few items, it was apparent that she didn't have enough money for all the things they needed. So, she asked to have a few items taken off so she could only get the things she could afford.
I have been in this situation more times than I would like to admit. I know how it feels to have your children with you and try to be getting all the things necessary to provide for your family. I watched the expression on her face as she decided what to keep and what to put back. She had to get the school supplies so she started putting back food. My heart began to sink as I watched her put back four different foods that I would consider necessary to keep your family healthy. There was a wave that washed over my body as if I was being pulled into the situation. I haven't felt that before like that. So, after she paid, I said, "Ma'am? Do you mind if I buy that food for you?" Her reply, "Oh. I wouldn't mind if you would want to buy it. That would be such a blessing." So they scanned her food and bagged it for her and she went on her way. She left after saying, "God bless you." And I watched her walk out the door wiping tears from her face.

What a precious moment that God allowed me to be part of. After I was told the total of all the things I was getting, the lady I was paying told me that the total of the lady's food that I paid for was 6 buck and some change. I thought to myself, "That wasn't too bad." Then after it was all said and done, I thought more...how many $6 opportunities have I missed? That isn't a lot of money. There have been times, and still are times, that I only have $6 to keep my family going for a weekend. Honestly. It sucks. But I had that money to give and I can sacrifice a meal, myself, and it will be ok. That lady was so grateful and I could see it in the tears of joy and thankfulness that she wiped from her face. It was a blessing to be able to bless someone and I'm glad I seized the opportunity. I hope I will keep my eyes open to more situations like that one.

I have heard Joel 2:25 before...

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten"

That's only the first part of the verse but that's where my focus is right now. I have heard this several times lately and I've wondered where it was and what it was meaning. Well, I found it. And I have my own translation of the meaning. God will restore what was lost. Plain and simple. Now, I can apply it to myself.

I feel like I have lost many years to pain, grief, pride, impurity, selfishness and foolishness. It's apparent that God promises to restore that time when I surrender my life and will to him. So, here I am. Surrendering once more and in other areas that I have missed before. I want freedom and I want healing. That's the journey I've been on. It isn't easy but I'm seeing more and more that it's totally worth it. My marriage has lost several years of beauty and holiness as God has intended it. He's going to give us those years back just as he promises in this verse in Joel! I have failed to have sexual purity in my life for many more years and I have finally...FINALLY...admitted that and released the control that I thought I had over it and have asked God's forgiveness in that area of my life and have experienced true freedom from sexual impurity and am expecting the healing to follow. God is so cool! Finally, I am expecting physical healing. My neck has been hurting almost every day for the past 3 years. It holds me back from having life in my days sometimes. The past 5 days have been a good example of that. I cannot live like this forever. It HAS to get better. I cannot be the woman, wife and mother that God wants me to be with the physical restrictions that I have. So I'm going to fully rely on his healing in my body. I have no control over it. I never have (even if I thought I have from time to time). He will heal me and he will give me back the past 3 years that the locusts (chronic pain) has eaten. I'm going to expect this and look in great hopes of it. I need it! God is faithful and just. He has given me freedom and healing in so many areas and I look to him for this as well.

I'm sick

Letting Go Again

Today has been a day of letting go of control. I'm not really a big control freak. I have had some intense times in my life of being a control freak but most of the time I'm pretty chill about things. I have felt emotionally on edge lately and I've been trying to get to the root of it. This is not an easy task sometimes. Especially when I don't have much time to myself to think or to do anythings else really.
I'm giving up control again. For some people this is a daily task, or an hourly task or sometimes even a task necessary per minute. I just need to release any control that I think I may have and let go so God can make the changes he needs to make in me so I can allow him to move freely.
I am releasing control of  myself, my education, my current and future job, my children, my marriage, my husband (marriage and husband are two separate things), my church involvement and ministry involvement, my compulsive behaviors, my ex's soon to be wedding, my homework, my physical health, my finances (or lack of), my living situation, the temperament of my husband and children, my relationships and friendships, and my sleep. I have no control over any of these things. I want to have a certain level of control over many of them but the truth is that I have none. When I get to the place of realizing (again) that I have no control over anything and that it's all, individually and as a whole, in Gods hands and it's in his control, I can live life a little fuller because that takes a load off me. He knows what's best and I have to trust that and I do trust that. I have to continue to make the conscious decision to free myself from the burden of thinking I have any control.
It seems like my list of things to release control of is long. Well, it is. I'm sure it could be longer if I allowed myself to dig deeper. The truth is, I don't have time to dig deeper and when I lack time to concentrate on these things, that's when it gets worse. So this is me making time to stop and think and allow myself a place to look back and remember what I have released control of (AGAIN).
I'm thankful for a loving relationship with Jesus so overwhelming and beautiful to where he's ok with me having to do this time after time. I'm blessed and undeserving.

1 Year Old

I decided to make this a simple low cost and low key birthday party. We don't need anything extravagant, we just needed to celebrate a precious life. Happy birthday little man!

We chose Monkey's because Makenna says Hayden is curious like Curious George :)

His monkey cake wasn't perfect but he loved it!

Hayden celebrated his first birthday on the same day grandaddy turned 90. This is pretty awesome. 

I really hate it when I've taken awhile to type out an email from my heart and feel like I have proof read it 30 times only to type one last sentence, hit send, and then realize I never proof read the last sentence and that's the one that needed correcting. Fail.
There's more to life than leaving out a word. I know. I know. The word "for" can be very important though!
Eh well. It's in Gods hands to do whatever He thinks is most necessary with it WHEN He thinks it's most necessary. I have no control. I gave that up awhile ago. So it's really been in Gods hands all along.

Hayden's new thing is pulling my shirt up a little and biting my bellybutton ring and then trying to pull it with his teeth. Weird. This needs to stop. It's just interesting what a 12 month old finds hysterical :)

It's a little late but we're finally getting ready for the little big mans birthday party. I may be going all out on this. I'm not sure. He's just precious. I'm not spending much money. I refuse to. I'm making some gluten free cupcakes that will look like little monkeys and Makenna wants me to make Hayden his own little yellow cake. I'll have to think about that one because I hadn't planned to. I'm making all the decorations. It won't cost much at all but it will be a super cute first birthday. I hope I can manage all this with 3 of us being sick. Hayden is finally starting to feel a little better. Nate is passed out on the couch right now because he is miserably sick. He didn't call out of work today but when he got there they started looking for a replacement for him and found one so he was able to come back home. I'm not feeling all that great but I'm managing 3 kids the best I can with the sickness that I have. So, preparing for the party should be interesting to say the least. I'm looking forward to celebrating!

I love hearing from my friend in Thailand! It makes my heart happy with each email I receive from her. I'm hoping God will put together a trip for me to go there soon. I miss her so much! It's a pretty big deal to move to Thailand as a permanent mission trip. I admire her heart, courage and selflessness. She get's it! To hear the things that happened there last week...the way God put such small things together to make some incredibly big things happen, it's so cool and so encouraging.
I'll see you one day soon my friend! I love you and love what you're doing!

The two biggest things that break my heart are:
People not giving Jesus a chance because of the way some people harm his image
And...
People judging me before hearing or knowing my heart

Taking an Honest and Spiritual Inventory

This has to be the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I know I have said that before with other things but that's because those things were hard but THIS IS HARDER.

"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord" Lamentations 3:40

So, taking an honest and spiritual inventory of myself is painful and frustrating. I worked on it maybe a total of 3 hours over the past 3 or 4 months. That doesn't seem like a lot and that's because it isn't a lot. I worked the first hour on it and was exhausted. I put it down for about a month and then did another straight hour. That time I got so upset and emotional that I had to put away and it's been another month and here I am again. I've only worked on it for about 20 minutes and I am stuck.

We're talking answering questions like...
"Who is the object of my resentment or fear?"
"What specific actions did that person take that hurt me?"
"What effect did that action have on my life; both past and present?"
"What damage did that action do to my basic social, security and/or sexual instincts?"
"What part of the resentment am I responsible for?"
"Who are the people I have hurt?"
"How have I hurt them?"

If you have caught on to why this is painful and frustrating, good! I have only made it through the first person and there are many more people on my list. I could only get the second persons name written and had to put it down. Questions like these are intense but I want to follow through with this because there is going to be such freedom and healing in this process. Not only will I write out honest things but I will go over all of it with someone that I trust. What a challenge. This is so hard. I'm in this for the freedom and healing. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Yay for summer classes! Not...
I'm excited because I have a set goal that I can immediately put my mind to and I'm excited that I have classes to mark off the list again very soon. I'm kind of bummed that it involved 6 credit hours for the summer. That isn't a lot but it is when you're a mother of three children that will be home every day throughout the summer. I keep having to remind myself that getting these classes out of the way will help me tremendously over the next two years because I shouldn't have more than 11 credit hours each semester here on out. That will be much more beneficial to me and I will be able to put all of my focus into Radiology and that's what I need to do. I need a good system for the summer... Hmm... I'll have to think more on this.

I'm incredibly lonely

This is ridiculous

How I got here

I do not understand

Perhaps sleep will do

To rest a weary mind

Seek and pray and fast once more

'Til serenity I find

One Year Old

Happy first birthday to my sweet little love bug. I am so in love with this boy. He makes my heart smile and melt at the same time. I feel like he's saved my life in a way. He's just precious and wonderful and I love him so much!

No one compares, you stand alone
To every record I own
Music to my heart, that’s what you are
A song that goes on and on

Sometimes I just really want life to go away

This is one of those times

I'm excited about all the weddings going on this summer. I love love <3
It's so great seeing people make their life long commitments to each other and make vows to love and keep on loving. It is one of the hardest commitments a person can ever make. Butterflies and desires eventually wear off and people are faced with the ups and downs of life along with facing the good, bad and the things the detest about their spouse. It's hard. But God honors the faithfulness of the commitments and vows that we make to Him and our spouse.
Weddings have always been one of my very favorite things to attend. I am grateful that I get to help plan one this summer, be matron of honor in another, and be a regular guest at yet another. It just makes me happy.
I'm not one for strapless dresses, especially while being the mother of small children but I'm hoping I rock out this dress!

I'm going to need a tan...

I find it amusing that I went off on my rant in my last post and it wasn't an hour later that I received a phone call from the Allied Health Department congratulating me for moving from the waiting list into the Radiology class that starts this fall. So, it's official. I am in the Radiography Program that starts this fall and I'm going to jump in and do it! I would be an idiot to let it pass. I will just have to get in there and see if my body can handle it or not. I will do my best and see what happens. I'm very excited!

hmmm...?

I am in some serious denial about my limitations. Honestly, I hate having limitations to begin with. Sometimes it makes me sad and sometimes it makes me angry. I get tired of the shape my body is in and I get tired of the way I have to neglect daily things of life in order to keep my pain level down. I literally just picked up some stuff out of the floor and vacuumed and I'm going to have to be done with house cleaning for the day. That makes me so sad and angry at the same time! There's so much to do but I cannot do it!
I spent 6 hours yesterday at the VA Hospital doing a clinical observation for school and spent most of that time debating myself in my mind about whether I can do what I was watching or not. It's frustrating because I knew exactly what I was going to be seeing. All of it. I have been to the information meeting and looked over the physical abilities/requirements page but ignored the fact that some of the things on there are outside of my limitations. I can't believe this denial I'm still in. It's ridiculous really.
I have to make a decision about this and I know what's best but I still haven't convinced myself that I know what's best. I know what I want and I know that if I push myself for the next 2 years of my life I will just be miserable and be eagerly awaiting the end of it. That isn't a healthy start. I'm trying to be quite a bit more mature in my decision making by looking at the full picture if I'm able to. I'm certainly able to look at the big picture here even if it's not in its entirety.
It's just frustrating to have to start all over again looking for something to do with my life but I guess it's ok. I definitely don't want to settle. I've had many ministry opportunities in the past 4 months that make me think I may need to keep my schedule open to allow God room to move me if I need to be moved. I'm just really not certain of anything and that's a difficult place for me to be because of my impatience. I'm glad I can type to vent because it really helps to sort through my thoughts.