There's so many things I could say and that I would like to say but the only thing that I must stress is that I need Jesus. Plain and simple...I need him.

I finally heard back about my MRI's. Yes that's plural for a reason. The first one was of my brain and I was being checked for MS. Thank the good Lord that was negative! No MS but there is a cyst on my pineal gland. From what they say, this is fairly common. People have it and don't have any clue. It isn't dangerous. All indications show that it's benign. These are very good things. I'll just have to have it checked again in 3 or so years to be sure nothing is changing about it.
The second one was of my lower back. I'm not really okay with not having answers about physical problems especially after having test after test after test. So I requested that we look at my back since I've had trouble with it for 10 years now. (By the way...I'm too young to say I've been seeing a doctor about something for 10 years...) There wasn't anything terribly wrong with my back other than the scoliosis and some arthritis. I'm not thrilled about there being arthritis in my lower back and my neck but it is what it is. I'm thinking the next route will be further arthritis testing. That could be what's killing my legs. There's no telling where else it is since it's in my back. I would much rather do something preventative than end up not being able to get around because of severe arthritic joints.
A new year is coming so I'm going to lay low and enjoy this next week with the Christmas holiday, time off from school, and a much needed vacation with my family. Time to relax and enjoy each other and even enjoy some sand and waves :)

The parking lot was so full this morning at the kids school that it was difficult to find a place to park. I guess a lot of other parents wanted to walk their kids to their class like I did. Isaiah has reached the age where he doesn't want to be seen showing any affection for me or me for him so I only got a quick "goodbye" from him :( At least he lets me love on him at home! But I got Makenna to her class and talked with her teacher about letting her talk with a counselor and she said they would get it worked out. I'm anxiously awaiting 2:30 to get here.

Parenting has a lot of challenges on any given day. Probably the hardest thing I've ever had to talk to my children about is death. We've visited this topic a few times over the past year or so because of funerals I've attended or they've heard about someone dying and had questions. I never thought I would have to tell my children about a group of other children their age being murdered. At first I wasn't sure if I would bring it up. Then I thought I would rather them hear it from me than to hear it from another child at school or even from a teacher. I wanted them to be surrounded by comfort at home because every child will respond to something like this a little bit differently.

I have had a hard time with this news myself. I find it horrific and tragic and I can't imagine even the thought of losing my children in the way many other parents lost theirs. I feel like I have been in an interesting emotional state since seeing news coverage of this Friday. So when I sat down with my kids today to talk to them about it, I had to back up and start over a couple different times because I couldn't talk through my tears. I didn't necessarily want my kids to see me that way or hear the emotion that came with the words I had to tell them but I decided to go with it because transparency is very important in this house and they need to know that it's perfectly acceptable to be afraid and that it's okay to weep on someone else's behalf and we're meant to feel this. We're meant to mourn the loss of innocent children that we don't even know. Children are so innocent and trusting and fragile.

I was able to get through my tears to tell my kids what had taken place. Makenna's reaction was exactly what I thought it would be. She cried in fear and told me she didn't want to go to school anymore and she wanted to stay home with me. I knew she would feel this way so I was prepared for it. Isaiah had his typical brave reaction. I could tell that he was uncomfortable with what he heard though.

Now that all is said and done, my kids are okay with going to school tomorrow. Makenna wants to talk to someone at the school about this stuff. I told her they are providing extra counselors for children that have questions. I feel like we have answered all her questions but it would be good for her to have a renewed sense of comfort within her school by talking to someone there. So I'm going to walk her to her class in the morning and see what we need to do. She has such a soft heart and she loves so greatly but she's sensitive. I want her little heart taken care of.

I'm happy that my kids are all home and tucked in their beds and sleeping peacefully. I do often take them for granted. I hate that something so tragic has to happen in order for parents like myself to be reminded to love and cherish the time we have with our children. My heart mourns with the parents who have lost such precious lives. But I do find hope in the simple words my kids chose to say today..."those kids are in Heaven in their special rooms God made for them".

Where is the Hope?

Last week I learned that a friend of mine has left her husband and 8 month old to be with a woman. I find that this is more common than most people realize. Who is to say exactly why this happens? Many people would like to jump to conclusions and point fingers and judge when this kind of situation arises. That's all too common as well. We should detest the lies that Satan has bombarded their mind with and love them with all we have.

My heart genuinely hurts for this family. As in...broken. I'm completely broken for them. There has to be some bitterness and resentment coming from an extended period of unforgiveness and hurt. The truth is, I don't know the reasons this particular couple is facing this. More truth is that they don't have to face it alone. And they don't have to harbor the bitterness.

I understand this all too well. I understand the sin. I empathize with the shame and regret. I'm so sick of shying behind what people may think about my past when there are other people out there hurting, making obvious cries for help, and feeling unable to share hope with them. This has been heavy on my heart for a long time but even more so since I've learned about my friend. What do I say? What do I do?

The answer...

I remind her of the common hope we share. The hope that Christ forgives and set free. That he restores and renews. That new life comes to those who want it.

I want her to hear this and receive it. You can never be certain that someone will do either of those things but it's worth every ounce of energy that is put into it.

There have been plenty of rumors that have gone around about me and I know from the conversations I have had over the past week that a majority of them are true. People know my past, they know details I hoped they wouldn't. Nothing can change that. My family knows things that they refuse to approach me about but most of what they know is true. It is what it is. I relate to this friend because I have been there and I cannot change that but I will use my poor decisions to help give someone else hope. There is no reason for me to shy away from anything now. Love remains.

Got milk?

Lactation is quite fascinating. I can't get over it. Fascinating. Some people say it's gross and weird but that's probably because they haven't been actively involved with it and haven't seen the beauty and importance of it. It's possible that I will turn into a hippy that nurses her baby until they're 2 years old. Maybe not... Probably not. It's just sweet and beautiful and an awesome way to bond with your child. He's dependent on me and is getting the best nourishment possible and that makes me feel like I'm doing the best there is to do as a mommy. The physiology of lactation itself is fascinating. All of it.

Date Night!

I had a pretty sweet date last night :) With bacon, waffles and go-carts, you can melt any mans heart. Especially a 6 year old. Isaiah wanted to go to Waffle House. So, that's where we went. Then I surprised him with some bumper cars and go-carts. He had a blast. Sometimes, as a parent, I forget to take one-on-one time with my kids. I have gotten so busy with school and so caught up in my medical issues that I have felt myself being frazzled in my time with the kids and not very pleasant with them from time to time. This isn't the first time and I guarantee that it won't be the last. I know I'm not alone with this. When I notice what's happening I HAVE to make myself take time to take my kids on dates. I want to do this more often but it's difficult to find time and also money for it to happen. We decided that we were going to make it happen no matter what. It was totally worth it. My little man had a great time and we got some good one-on-one time. Guys like "shoulder time" and girls like "face time" so it worked that he and I spent lap upon lap in a go-cart laughing and cutting up and eventually blowing out the back tire together! And the bumper cars were nothing that 3 ibuprofen couldn't tackle later (God bless this neck). It was good! It was great! It was quite lovely!

So while him and I were partying, Nate took Makenna out to have pizza (Makenna and her pizza) and then to the Grove Park to look at gingerbread houses. She looked like she was on top of the world. Daddy and his princess. Makenna and her knight in shining armor. Those two are precious. They dressed up nice and had a great evening together. She eats that stuff up. I hope she's the same way when she's older and I know she will be if he keeps making her his priority like that. It was perfect. Before we know it, I will have two boys to take on separate dates. I love having two boys :) We have to have three guys in the house to compensate for all the estrogen Makenna and I put off. Ha! We're a handful.