I know the baby dropped last night. I felt every bit of it from 11:30 to 12:30. It's kind of been nice because I've had room to put food into my stomach today and not feel nauseated and I was actually able to eat full meals.
I've taken on a new project now that the rocking chair has all new cushions.
We've been looking for a new kitchen table that isn't round because the round table takes up too much space in our small kitchen. We could have a bigger table if it were in the shape of a rectangle. So, last night I was looking at our old coffee table and said, "Perfect!!!". This is my new project. I have cut the legs of the old matching end tables a little shorter than they were and have stained them and will add cushions and a cover on both. They will be stool/seats for the kids. I bought some table legs to add to the coffee table to make it taller. I just need to sand off the top and stain it and match the legs up to it and we'll have a super nice kitchen table set that cost us around $100. Can't beat that! I enjoy being a little crafty. However, I'm not a big fan of power tools. They make me nervous because I'm really clumsy to begin with. I managed to get all the legs of the stools to the same length, from what I can tell, so that in itself is the miracle of this project.
Let's see what I can come up with to do next!

Sometimes I hear little pops when the baby kicks me. I've looked it up on Google because it's not worth calling the doctor about since I have a visit next week. Most people say it's his joints popping. That's crazy! It's sweet that I can feel him AND hear him. I can't wait to meet him so soon!!!! 5.5 weeks left...unless he wants to come a little early, which is fine by me. Mwah! Love you little guy!!

I'm not really sure how I get to the point of having a friendship close enough with anyone for them to tell me that they have my back. Those are big words to me. If someone is going to say that though, I would appreciate some follow through. I got close enough again to get hurt very badly. I guess making yourself vulnerable is exactly how it sounds. It makes me not want to do that ever again. People like that make me want to scream. I may........
Maybe what makes it hardest is when it's someone you do ministry with. Perhaps that's why I'm a bit tainted and ready to move on and want to see REAL people.

What is church anyway?

It seems like I'm having to re-learn everything I once knew about going to church. I'm 26 years old and trying to figure out why we go. It's not that I don't want to go and it's not that I don't enjoy being a part of it. What I'm getting at is that I'm trying to distinguish the tradition from the ministry.
Having grown up in a baptist church, a southern baptist church, I've seen so much tradition there and I'm afraid real ministry is often missed. The past two years have shown me that but I have seen it even more so in the past year. I've been more aware of people giving their lives for their faith while we sit in church critiquing music, people, vehicles, clothes, etc. It's mind boggling if nothing else.
There are so many things in the Bible that I don't know and haven't ever heard. I'm not much of a history buff and I'm not really into theology but I really do enjoy when someone studies the Bible well and is able to get things across to me that I've never known before. It makes me feel like I've learned something more to defend my faith rather than being told the same simple things all the time.
I feel like I'm getting away from my point...
What's the point of going to church to sit and listen to some people sing, a person or two say a prayer, give (or not give) some money, meet a few people, and listen to a man preach? It seems so...so...routine...comfortable...what we're used to...? I like routine. Routine makes me happy and keeps me from getting anxious. Comfortable makes me happy. Being uncomfortable is, well, uncomfortable...
Trying to determine whether I'm sucked into a routine or actively involved in a ministry where people are being reached by God's grace, love, and mercy, somehow seem to blur together and it's hard to tell which is which. That's a problem.
I like the word "radical". It's a scary word but it also gets a point across to me. Look-

Adjective:

(esp. of change or action) Relating to or affecting the fundamental nature of something; far-reaching or thorough.

If going to church, or being part of a ministry isn't causing a change, isn't far reaching or thorough to anyone, or everyone, it needs to be reevaluated and made right. 
This seems a little scattered but I know what I'm trying to say, I think...
I want to be actively involved...in a place...with other people...who love Jesus and are changed by who He is and who want to reach other people (pretty, ugly, smart, dumb, wasteful, talented, different, etc.) alike, or different, to experience the greatness of our God. I don't want to have to worry about wearing nice clothes (even thought I like to) just because that's what everyone wears when they go to church. I don't even know why I tell my kids they need to wear a certain type of clothes on Sunday. It doesn't even make sense when I say it.
I want, no...I need to see people living the purpose of church. I need to be a part of the reason there is church. I need church to not feel like a social event where you wonder who will talk to you this time or who will overlook you. I need to see passion in believers eyes that reflect the passion of their hearts. I need that kind of passion within myself more than just sometimes.
What is church? Why is it church? Who's real and who needs to see what's real before they can be real themselves? The answers are easy but so hard. 

Sometimes I'm really sad about the decisions I have to make.
Music consumes my life and worship is the reason we live. Having to separate myself from those two things is really difficult.
I'm convinced that worship, true worship, should be from the heart and we should be free to express ourselves in our own different ways that are unique to who we are. When leadership declines in this area and continues to decline for a year and counting...and there is more frustration than there is a freedom to worship, things need to change. I don't like having to tell my worship pastor to please not place me back on the schedule but if I'm frustrated with everything happening and am unable to focus on the reason that we're there, I don't need to be a part of leading other people into worship when I can't reach that place myself. So my decision is made and will have to stay that way until significant changes are made.
I kind of wish that this was stemming from pregnancy hormones but I haven't been pregnant for the past 12 months so I know that isn't the case.
I know God will provide what is needed and he will settle my heart about this and all will be well in the way he wants it. No doubt.
If I'm suppose to be used, them I'm willing, but if I'm suppose to sit down and be quiet, then that's what I'll do.

I wish I had a really good friend to talk to sometimes. I typically feel this way when it has just been the kids and I together all day or I've been swamped with homework and have read a lot or taken in a lot but haven't had the opportunity to get anything out. I'm the kind of girl that likes to get in her 3,000 words a day (or however many it is). However, sleep is the next best things to talking my face off and it's nearly 6:00 which means bed time will be here before we know it.

School and such

I really am enjoying school this semester. I'm very happy with my grades and my progress and the things to come.
I want to make something of myself with my education and my career and I've been hard on myself for going to a "community college" but what I have to say about that now is "heck, it's all 100% paid for and I will NOT be in any kind of debt for my education when I'm done so it really doesn't matter!" I've paid less then $200 this past year and shouldn't have to pay even that much for the following year or two. That's what I'm talking about :)
I can complain about my neck hurting all the time (but I would rather not) but it's paying for my future and it's paying for it well. We are in need of nothing. God has supplied everything we could possibly need. I know He'll keep on it because He's awesome like that!
I may pursue a bachelors at a University when the time comes and the good news will be...(drum roll please) there will still be no education debt!!! That's just exciting.
The lesson here is "kids, eat your fruits and veggies. If you'd just rather not, drink V8 splash because it has it all in there anyway."

High Five!