Sometimes I'm really sad about the decisions I have to make.
Music consumes my life and worship is the reason we live. Having to separate myself from those two things is really difficult.
I'm convinced that worship, true worship, should be from the heart and we should be free to express ourselves in our own different ways that are unique to who we are. When leadership declines in this area and continues to decline for a year and counting...and there is more frustration than there is a freedom to worship, things need to change. I don't like having to tell my worship pastor to please not place me back on the schedule but if I'm frustrated with everything happening and am unable to focus on the reason that we're there, I don't need to be a part of leading other people into worship when I can't reach that place myself. So my decision is made and will have to stay that way until significant changes are made.
I kind of wish that this was stemming from pregnancy hormones but I haven't been pregnant for the past 12 months so I know that isn't the case.
I know God will provide what is needed and he will settle my heart about this and all will be well in the way he wants it. No doubt.
If I'm suppose to be used, them I'm willing, but if I'm suppose to sit down and be quiet, then that's what I'll do.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
I wish I had a really good friend to talk to sometimes. I typically feel this way when it has just been the kids and I together all day or I've been swamped with homework and have read a lot or taken in a lot but haven't had the opportunity to get anything out. I'm the kind of girl that likes to get in her 3,000 words a day (or however many it is). However, sleep is the next best things to talking my face off and it's nearly 6:00 which means bed time will be here before we know it.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
School and such
I really am enjoying school this semester. I'm very happy with my grades and my progress and the things to come.
I want to make something of myself with my education and my career and I've been hard on myself for going to a "community college" but what I have to say about that now is "heck, it's all 100% paid for and I will NOT be in any kind of debt for my education when I'm done so it really doesn't matter!" I've paid less then $200 this past year and shouldn't have to pay even that much for the following year or two. That's what I'm talking about :)
I can complain about my neck hurting all the time (but I would rather not) but it's paying for my future and it's paying for it well. We are in need of nothing. God has supplied everything we could possibly need. I know He'll keep on it because He's awesome like that!
I may pursue a bachelors at a University when the time comes and the good news will be...(drum roll please) there will still be no education debt!!! That's just exciting.
The lesson here is "kids, eat your fruits and veggies. If you'd just rather not, drink V8 splash because it has it all in there anyway."
I want to make something of myself with my education and my career and I've been hard on myself for going to a "community college" but what I have to say about that now is "heck, it's all 100% paid for and I will NOT be in any kind of debt for my education when I'm done so it really doesn't matter!" I've paid less then $200 this past year and shouldn't have to pay even that much for the following year or two. That's what I'm talking about :)
I can complain about my neck hurting all the time (but I would rather not) but it's paying for my future and it's paying for it well. We are in need of nothing. God has supplied everything we could possibly need. I know He'll keep on it because He's awesome like that!
I may pursue a bachelors at a University when the time comes and the good news will be...(drum roll please) there will still be no education debt!!! That's just exciting.
The lesson here is "kids, eat your fruits and veggies. If you'd just rather not, drink V8 splash because it has it all in there anyway."
High Five!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
I'm pleased with my house cleaning and rearranging so far this morning. I have gotten a lot accomplished and that always makes me feel better about my day. However, my homework has been neglected this week because of so many other things that were pressing. I'm going to have to spend a good 5 hours today and tomorrow catching up so I can keep a good grade in History. Only two and a half weeks left until my first 2 finals. Then 8 weeks of 2 other classes and a lab until this semester is complete! Yay for progress!!!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Still trying to figure out what to do with my life.
What do I want to be when I grow up?
I was/am currently working on an Associates in Arts but after looking over the requirements for an Associates in Science this past week it looks like I'm closer to earning a degree in Science. It would make sense for me to go that route. I'll be done a lot quicker. But will it benefit me in the future? THAT'S the big question.
I'm still undecided on what will come of all of this education.
In a way I feel like it's a lot easier to make these decisions straight out of high school. I knew then what I wanted to do but an injury now prevents me from doing that line of work for the rest of my life. A fresh high school graduate has little grasp on life and the pressures of it and the realities of it. It's easier to make a decision about what you WANT to do.
I now have the pressures of making the best decisions for the children I currently have and have to take in consideration what my husband thinks about it all too. Neither of those things bother me. They simply make the decision harder. I guess because I can't fool around and waste time like I was able to when I was younger and didn't have these responsibilities.
Much prayer has gone into this and much more will go in. I mainly want to do what God has set out for me to do. Figuring that part out is what is tough. I'm good at a lot of things and I enjoy a lot of things and I would be happy with the few routes I have laid out. I just have to know which one is right and which one is best.
What do I want to be when I grow up?
I was/am currently working on an Associates in Arts but after looking over the requirements for an Associates in Science this past week it looks like I'm closer to earning a degree in Science. It would make sense for me to go that route. I'll be done a lot quicker. But will it benefit me in the future? THAT'S the big question.
I'm still undecided on what will come of all of this education.
In a way I feel like it's a lot easier to make these decisions straight out of high school. I knew then what I wanted to do but an injury now prevents me from doing that line of work for the rest of my life. A fresh high school graduate has little grasp on life and the pressures of it and the realities of it. It's easier to make a decision about what you WANT to do.
I now have the pressures of making the best decisions for the children I currently have and have to take in consideration what my husband thinks about it all too. Neither of those things bother me. They simply make the decision harder. I guess because I can't fool around and waste time like I was able to when I was younger and didn't have these responsibilities.
Much prayer has gone into this and much more will go in. I mainly want to do what God has set out for me to do. Figuring that part out is what is tough. I'm good at a lot of things and I enjoy a lot of things and I would be happy with the few routes I have laid out. I just have to know which one is right and which one is best.
Friday, January 20, 2012
The more I think about things over the past couple days the more I hope that I don't appear to be a person that has it all together. I most definitely do not! I am still a pile of mess that strives to find the best way to get through every day. I am overwhelmed more than I am not. I struggle with bad thoughts and even going through with them a lot. I am nothing but a heap of trash that has ultimately been forgiven and I'm working every day, some days harder than others, on getting this heap of trash into a beautiful creation.
I am often intimidated by people who appear to have it all together. I am often intimidated by pretty people. I want to be like them and look like them. But I'm just me and I have to remember that and I have to remember that even those other people who may appear to have it "all together"...they don't.
We (I) have been shown by so many others that wearing a mask is the best way to get by so you don't bring others down and so you can stay strong for others who are weak and so you don't get looked down on. In reality, we're all weak. Some have strengths where others have weaknesses but we all are weak and if we would be totally honest, we just plain don't have it all together and we need the help of someone, a friend, a parent, a spouse, Jesus, whomever, to help us through.
This has been a really difficult week for me. I have tried to hold it together the best I can but all that has done is made me angry and exposed to a bad temperament. I should have admitted to myself and to at least someone else that the first trip to the hospital was a bit overwhelming. Then after the second trip, I should have just cried it out and gotten rid of the emotions that I've been hanging on to.
I went to Labor and Delivery because of these pains I've been having. I didn't have these pains with the others until they were ready to be born, so I was really nervous. Come to find out my pubic bone is slowly being separated by the stretching of everything inside and that's why I hurt. I can handle it. It hurts every day, every time I get up, every time I sit, yada yada, so forth, etc. I will make it work though.
Isaiah woke up Sunday morning throwing up blood and I cried only for a minute about it. I was in a panic but it was 4:30 am and I had to get dressed, get someone to the house to stay with Makenna, get Isaiah dressed, pack a snack because I can't go long in the mornings without food, get my head on straight and get my boy to the ER. I cried all the way to the hospital but I don't know if Nate or Isaiah either one heard me. I didn't want Isaiah to hear me because I didn't want him to be scared so I let my tears out quietly. I knew that a hysterical mother wouldn't be allowed to stay with her son there so I pulled myself together and stayed strong like a good girl.
No good answer from the doctor so we took him to his pediatrician Monday. He's fine and he's going to be fine. He's on Previcid for acid reflux which only makes sense with our family history. Now he's taking pills that you have to swallow whole so that's a chore in itself but he's a big boy and learning how to do it better every day.
May I say now that I have been an emotional wreck but I haven't spoken a word of it?
Sometimes you just aren't strong and that's okay. Tell someone. Get the words out that you NEED to, cry out what you need to and get yourself to a healthier state. Yes, I'm talking to myself and whoever else is reading.
I am often intimidated by people who appear to have it all together. I am often intimidated by pretty people. I want to be like them and look like them. But I'm just me and I have to remember that and I have to remember that even those other people who may appear to have it "all together"...they don't.
We (I) have been shown by so many others that wearing a mask is the best way to get by so you don't bring others down and so you can stay strong for others who are weak and so you don't get looked down on. In reality, we're all weak. Some have strengths where others have weaknesses but we all are weak and if we would be totally honest, we just plain don't have it all together and we need the help of someone, a friend, a parent, a spouse, Jesus, whomever, to help us through.
This has been a really difficult week for me. I have tried to hold it together the best I can but all that has done is made me angry and exposed to a bad temperament. I should have admitted to myself and to at least someone else that the first trip to the hospital was a bit overwhelming. Then after the second trip, I should have just cried it out and gotten rid of the emotions that I've been hanging on to.
I went to Labor and Delivery because of these pains I've been having. I didn't have these pains with the others until they were ready to be born, so I was really nervous. Come to find out my pubic bone is slowly being separated by the stretching of everything inside and that's why I hurt. I can handle it. It hurts every day, every time I get up, every time I sit, yada yada, so forth, etc. I will make it work though.
Isaiah woke up Sunday morning throwing up blood and I cried only for a minute about it. I was in a panic but it was 4:30 am and I had to get dressed, get someone to the house to stay with Makenna, get Isaiah dressed, pack a snack because I can't go long in the mornings without food, get my head on straight and get my boy to the ER. I cried all the way to the hospital but I don't know if Nate or Isaiah either one heard me. I didn't want Isaiah to hear me because I didn't want him to be scared so I let my tears out quietly. I knew that a hysterical mother wouldn't be allowed to stay with her son there so I pulled myself together and stayed strong like a good girl.
No good answer from the doctor so we took him to his pediatrician Monday. He's fine and he's going to be fine. He's on Previcid for acid reflux which only makes sense with our family history. Now he's taking pills that you have to swallow whole so that's a chore in itself but he's a big boy and learning how to do it better every day.
May I say now that I have been an emotional wreck but I haven't spoken a word of it?
Sometimes you just aren't strong and that's okay. Tell someone. Get the words out that you NEED to, cry out what you need to and get yourself to a healthier state. Yes, I'm talking to myself and whoever else is reading.
You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You’re reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground
You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You’re reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground
You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go
I know I’m not perfect
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let you down
But you love me the same
And when I’m surrounded
When I lose my way
When I’m crying out and falling down
You are here to
Lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let you down
But you love me the same
And when I’m surrounded
When I lose my way
When I’m crying out and falling down
You are here to
Lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go
The Afters-You Lift Me Up (Partial Lyrics)
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