The more I think about things over the past couple days the more I hope that I don't appear to be a person that has it all together. I most definitely do not! I am still a pile of mess that strives to find the best way to get through every day. I am overwhelmed more than I am not. I struggle with bad thoughts and even going through with them  a lot. I am nothing but a heap of trash that has ultimately been forgiven and I'm working every day, some days harder than others, on getting this heap of trash into a beautiful creation.
I am often intimidated by people who appear to have it all together. I am often intimidated by pretty people. I want to be like them and look like them. But I'm just me and I have to remember that and I have to remember that even those other people who may appear to have it "all together"...they don't.
We (I) have been shown by so many others that wearing a mask is the best way to get by so you don't bring others down and so you can stay strong for others who are weak and so you don't get looked down on. In reality, we're all weak. Some have strengths where others have weaknesses but we all are weak and if we would be totally honest, we just plain don't have it all together and we need the help of someone, a friend, a parent, a spouse, Jesus, whomever, to help us through.
This has been a really difficult week for me. I have tried to hold it together the best I can but all that has done is made me angry and exposed to a bad temperament. I should have admitted to myself and to at least someone else that the first trip to the hospital was a bit overwhelming. Then after the second trip, I should have just cried it out and gotten rid of the emotions that I've been hanging on to.
I went to Labor and Delivery because of these pains I've been having. I didn't have these pains with the others until they were ready to be born, so I was really nervous. Come to find out my pubic bone is slowly being separated by the stretching of everything inside and that's why I hurt. I can handle it. It hurts every day, every time I get up, every time I sit, yada yada, so forth, etc. I will make it work though.
Isaiah woke up Sunday morning throwing up blood and I cried only for a minute about it. I was in a panic but it was 4:30 am and I had to get dressed, get someone to the house to stay with Makenna, get Isaiah dressed, pack a snack because I can't go long in the mornings without food, get my head on straight and get my boy to the ER. I cried all the way to the hospital but I don't know if Nate or Isaiah either one heard me. I didn't want Isaiah to hear me because I didn't want him to be scared so I let my tears out quietly. I knew that a hysterical mother wouldn't be allowed to stay with her son there so I pulled myself together and stayed strong like a good girl.
No good answer from the doctor so we took him to his pediatrician Monday. He's fine and he's going to be fine. He's on Previcid for acid reflux which only makes sense with our family history. Now he's taking pills that you have to swallow whole so that's a chore in itself but he's a big boy and learning how to do it better every day.
May I say now that I have been an emotional wreck but I haven't spoken a word of it?
Sometimes you just aren't strong and that's okay. Tell someone. Get the words out that you NEED to, cry out what you need to and get yourself to a healthier state. Yes, I'm talking to myself and whoever else is reading.

You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You’re reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

I know I’m not perfect
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let you down
But you love me the same

And when I’m surrounded
When I lose my way
When I’m crying out and falling down
You are here to 

Lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

The Afters-You Lift Me Up (Partial Lyrics)