Delayed Understanding

More irony
On time
I needed to read this devo that came in my email this morning.
Sometimes things couldn't work out more perfectly. So I must share it.

Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” John

13:7

God’s will is not always understood in the moment, but in retrospect it becomes clear. This is the design of the faith walk: remain faithful today, even though understanding may not come until tomorrow. Delays in the comprehension of circumstances seem like a divine detour, but it is a fruitful path for the Lord to show Himself trustworthy and wise. Be comforted for Christ is doing a deeper work—even if on the surface it seems shallow, insignificant and unnecessary. The details of how He takes the time to prepare us for His next assignment may seem redundant, but counter intuitive actions are not learned in one lesson. The idea that greatness comes from being a servant to all takes time to transform a heart. Jesus does not allow us to move on until humility truly moves in. “Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and exalt and glorify the King of heaven, because everything he does is right and all his ways are just. And those who walk in pride he is able to humble” (Daniel 4:37). A delayed understanding of God’s ways is not meant to delay our action in opportunities to serve. For example, we can’t immediately see the bigger meaning in the scare of an inconclusive blood test that leads to more invasive physical exams, but later we grow in our love for the physicians and nurses who care for us. Delays are God’s parenthesis for Him to produce good fruit in and through us. So we serve well while we wait to know. Do you feel trapped or caught in a no win situation? If so, what is the Lord trying to say? How can you grow as a student in Jesus’ school of unselfish service? Ask Him to convert your counterproductive frustrations into fuel for focus on the well being of others. You may have it hard, but someone else has it worse. Turn to the all knowing one in the middle of the unknown. The Holy Spirit will reveal His ways when you are ready. “Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD” (Psalm 27:14). Therefore, stand today in the security of your Savior Jesus, as He is your rock and reassurance. Understanding may not come until after your window of obedience. His love is not delayed, only your ability to totally comprehend His grander plan in the larger landscape of life. God’s delays are designed to accelerate your love for and trust in Jesus. “Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts” (Isaiah 26:8). Where do I need to remain faithful in the middle of a season of delayed understanding?

(From Wisdom Hunters Daily Devotional)

My self-esteem took a hard hit last night. It's kind of ironic how I wrote, just yesterday, about realizing some of my insecurities... I don't know how to deal with this one. At all. It's not pleasant to be hurt to tears. I just don't know what I'm up against this time.
I'm really hoping that the words "You make all things work together for my good" stick with me.

Game On

I believe I'm finally coming to the point where I can put words to how I've been feeling lately. In a way I feel like a teenager again with all the insecurities that come with the different ages within the those years and the way one attemps to find themselves during all of the changes. Of course it's different now than it was then because I am married with 2 children and nearly 4 months pregnant. The deal here is that I can't change my family, nor do I want to, but I have to be able to find who I am again in the midst of being responsible for 3 other lives.
Being in school is so much different than when I was a teenager. Of course! I have 3 other lives that are dependant on me. I don't have time to sit around and let my mind wander away with me and see where my thoughts lead me and what kind of creativity may come from it. That used to be one of my favorite things. I can't take an adequate amount of time to focus on my homework like I need to. I can't get lost in my studies and be where I want to be with them. It's nearly impossible. I'm not complaining about any of this. I'm letting myself know that I realize how different things are so I can figure out a way to make it all into a happy little mesh of things.
I'm not miserably sick every day now and I'm am extremely thankful for that! Now I have 2 months worth of things to catch up on because of the sickness. Luckily, I am very healthy now that it's time for finals but I have to do so well on them to make up for not doing so well because of being sick. I'm just hoping to manage my time well enough to do the best I can.
So, now that I have a few things figured out in my mind, I have to find a way to actively stay on top of things and apparently do it differently than I ever have. It sure seems complicated but at least I can put my thoughts in the right direction now rather than aimlessly thinking about why things don't make sense to me.
Maybe that was a mouthful of blabber that just went through my finger tips onto a computer screen but at least it's out of my head and I know which direction I'm going now. It's time to get more motivated than usual and get myself back on track.

"Lord move in the way that I've never seen before, There's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door, I'm drifting away, Waves are crashing on the shore, Lord move, Move or move me" - FFH

Word Vomit

I'm feeling rather stressed. I haven't been keeping up with school well because of the sickness I've had. All the throwing up and not being able to eat and being dehydrated and having to have 2,000 cc of IV fluid this week have really added up. I'm trying to be a good wife and mother but that's so hard when you can't get your own butt out of bed. I've missed all my classes this week because of being so sick. I have a make up test in math today and I don't feel ready for it at all. I was hoping to have until next Tuesday to do it but that didn't work out. I guess I should be most thankful that I at least get to do it and no get a ZERO on it. That would suck! So, I'll do my best and see what that gets me.
I'm ready to feel better. I wasn't this sick with either of my other pregnancies and I didn't expect it to get this bad. I just want to feel good so I can keep up with life again.
I won't be going to Thailand as originally planned, also because of this sickness. Maybe it's God's way of showing me it's best for me to stay home right now. I know this baby is more important than most things and I have to remember that. It's just sucking the life out of me. However, every time we get to see the little one in an ultrasound, it makes it all worth it to me. One day I'll get to hold the little booger and that will make it all even better.
I HAVE to keep my head up and keep myself going. It's all worth it. Every ounce of vomit. Every bit of lost energy. Everything. Maybe I'll feel better soon. Hopefully at least enough to be able to enjoy some amazing turkey dinners since we'll be in the country afterall :) Can't wait to see all of my family then too!

I have learned two things this morning from my wonderful daughter. Coloring Dora the Explorer papers with crayons is much more enjoyable than studying for the history exam  I have tomorrow and also that the word "diggie" means "poof". Who knew?! Ha! I love her :)

I never knew how much fun it would be to teach my little girl how to put her hair up in a ponytail. She has so much patience that I've never seen before. We're having a super time. Girls days are the best!