One of the 12 steps to recovery is to "Admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs". Wow. That's difficult. I have been thinking about this for awhile now and I know that I have to do it to heal. I have so many hurts inside still from the mistakes of my past. As long as I hold them inside and keep them to myself, I will continue to feel so torn inside. I want freedom. I want closure. I want more peace. I want to be free from the depression that ties me down.
The beginning of this process is terrifying. Maybe it will get a little easier with the more I "admit to someone". I don't know. This is new for me. I have already been to the point of shaking and crying because I'm so ashamed of the things I have done and how I have been a part of scarring another persons life. I'm sorry my dear friend. If I had it all to do over I would make things so different. I only have one chance at this life though and I want to make the best of it and learn from these hurts and let them heal the right way and be there for others as they heal and help others resist the path that leads to these kind of scars.
Hurts happen. People get hurt by the people they love. The love doesn't go away, the hurt just gets IN the way.
I had a hard afternoon a couple days ago and as I thought about the nature of a specific wrong that I've done, I wondered if Jesus felt is as a punch in the face or if he felt it as a slash across his back or if it was a big one that felt like the spear in his side or if it felt like one of those spikes going through his feet. I wondered if that specific sin caused him to feel that pain. It was so hard to think that he felt that pain so that I could feel better. He loved me even though the love hurt. Dang, the stuff that I do to him and he keeps coming back to me. I don't want to question it. It's amazing and it's grace. I will accept it but I can't comprehend it.
I know I have a long way to go to achieve this feeling of freedom that I want or to receive the closure that I'm looking for. I know there are many tears to come. I believe my healing will come through tears, many of them.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
I am now officially a full time college student again. I'm working towards an Associates in Art at AB Tech because all of those classes will transfer to a University. I'm looking at a Bachelors at UNCA or Montreat. Time will decide which one I end up in. I'm excited and looking forward to it. I'm not necessarily looking forward to a couple of the classes I'm enrolled in for the fall but once they're done, they're done and I won't have to worry about them anymore and I'll be that much closer to the education I'm pursuing.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Searching
I feel like I'm searching for something. Maybe.
I feel somewhat lost.
Maybe I feel stagnant. It's gross.
So many things are looking up with finances and education which leads to jobs. I need to keep my eyes looking toward the sunshine.
That's it! There hasn't been much sunshine lately. Could that really be it?
Maybe I feel stuck. Which leads to feeling stagnant. It's just...gross. I need to move on from this stillness.
Maybe the stillness is good. I don't know.
I feel somewhat lost.
Maybe I feel stagnant. It's gross.
So many things are looking up with finances and education which leads to jobs. I need to keep my eyes looking toward the sunshine.
That's it! There hasn't been much sunshine lately. Could that really be it?
Maybe I feel stuck. Which leads to feeling stagnant. It's just...gross. I need to move on from this stillness.
Maybe the stillness is good. I don't know.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Our Hope Endures
I feel so blessed and so unworthy of it. I have done so many things to screw up my life and to screw up other peoples lives but God is so full of grace and compassion and mercy and love and He uses all those things to hold me and tell me that it's okay and He helps me be a better me. He encourages me and helps me up when I fall. He pulls me through when I'm struggling and when I totally mess things up, He forgives me when I confess my crap and ask for the forgiveness.
I believe that before you can receive complete forgiveness you must first realize the things you have done to hurt the Lord and confess them to yourself and to Him. That has been my personal journey lately. I feel like there's such a long list of this and, yes, it's a long process and it hurts inside. Sometimes the only way to heal is to dig out your deepest regrets and lay them out before yourself and openly confess them to God and apologize.
I can relate well to the Psalms I've been reading lately. I don't want to take up a lot of space with scripture but it's so relevant to my life and I feel it's necessary to put it here because it says things so much better than I can.
Psalm 38
1 O Lord, don’t rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your rage!
2 Your arrows have struck deep,
and your blows are crushing me.
3 Because of your anger, my whole body is sick;
my health is broken because of my sins.
4 My guilt overwhelms me—
it is a burden too heavy to bear.
5 My wounds fester and stink
because of my foolish sins.
6 I am bent over and racked with pain.
All day long I walk around filled with grief.
7 A raging fever burns within me,
and my health is broken.
8 I am exhausted and completely crushed.
My groans come from an anguished heart.
Psalm 37:3-6, 27-29, and 39-40
3 Trust in the Lord and do good.
Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
4 Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.
5 Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.
6 He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
27 Turn from evil and do good,
and you will live in the land forever.
28 For the Lord loves justice,
and he will never abandon the godly.
He will keep them safe forever,
but the children of the wicked will die.
29 The godly will possess the land
and will live there forever.
39 The Lord rescues the godly;
he is their fortress in times of trouble.
40 The Lord helps them,
rescuing them from the wicked.
He saves them,
and they find shelter in him.
This is where my hope lies
I believe that before you can receive complete forgiveness you must first realize the things you have done to hurt the Lord and confess them to yourself and to Him. That has been my personal journey lately. I feel like there's such a long list of this and, yes, it's a long process and it hurts inside. Sometimes the only way to heal is to dig out your deepest regrets and lay them out before yourself and openly confess them to God and apologize.
I can relate well to the Psalms I've been reading lately. I don't want to take up a lot of space with scripture but it's so relevant to my life and I feel it's necessary to put it here because it says things so much better than I can.
Psalm 38
1 O Lord, don’t rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your rage!
2 Your arrows have struck deep,
and your blows are crushing me.
3 Because of your anger, my whole body is sick;
my health is broken because of my sins.
4 My guilt overwhelms me—
it is a burden too heavy to bear.
5 My wounds fester and stink
because of my foolish sins.
6 I am bent over and racked with pain.
All day long I walk around filled with grief.
7 A raging fever burns within me,
and my health is broken.
8 I am exhausted and completely crushed.
My groans come from an anguished heart.
9 You know what I long for, Lord;
you hear my every sigh.
10 My heart beats wildly, my strength fails,
and I am going blind.
11 My loved ones and friends stay away, fearing my disease.
Even my own family stands at a distance.
12 Meanwhile, my enemies lay traps to kill me.
Those who wish me harm make plans to ruin me.
All day long they plan their treachery.
you hear my every sigh.
10 My heart beats wildly, my strength fails,
and I am going blind.
11 My loved ones and friends stay away, fearing my disease.
Even my own family stands at a distance.
12 Meanwhile, my enemies lay traps to kill me.
Those who wish me harm make plans to ruin me.
All day long they plan their treachery.
13 But I am deaf to all their threats.
I am silent before them as one who cannot speak.
14 I choose to hear nothing,
and I make no reply.
15 For I am waiting for you, O Lord.
You must answer for me, O Lord my God.
16 I prayed, “Don’t let my enemies gloat over me
or rejoice at my downfall.”
I am silent before them as one who cannot speak.
14 I choose to hear nothing,
and I make no reply.
15 For I am waiting for you, O Lord.
You must answer for me, O Lord my God.
16 I prayed, “Don’t let my enemies gloat over me
or rejoice at my downfall.”
17 I am on the verge of collapse,
facing constant pain.
18 But I confess my sins;
I am deeply sorry for what I have done.
19 I have many aggressive enemies;
they hate me without reason.
20 They repay me evil for good
and oppose me for pursuing good.
21 Do not abandon me, O Lord.
Do not stand at a distance, my God.
22 Come quickly to help me,
O Lord my savior.
facing constant pain.
18 But I confess my sins;
I am deeply sorry for what I have done.
19 I have many aggressive enemies;
they hate me without reason.
20 They repay me evil for good
and oppose me for pursuing good.
21 Do not abandon me, O Lord.
Do not stand at a distance, my God.
22 Come quickly to help me,
O Lord my savior.
I know that I have brought my injury upon myself. I will live with chronic pain because it's my punishment for willingly sinning without listening to what was right. Deep down I feel that is the truth. I have felt His wrath and I have taken His blows. All of those things have been because He loves me and a Father loves the child that He disciplines. Then He pours out blessings and contentment once we surrender to what's right. I'm trying. I'm finally trying with all my heart and with all I am. Is it easy? Heck no! I will try more though. I want His best and I want Him to have my best.
3 Trust in the Lord and do good.
Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
4 Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.
5 Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.
6 He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
27 Turn from evil and do good,
and you will live in the land forever.
28 For the Lord loves justice,
and he will never abandon the godly.
He will keep them safe forever,
but the children of the wicked will die.
29 The godly will possess the land
and will live there forever.
39 The Lord rescues the godly;
he is their fortress in times of trouble.
40 The Lord helps them,
rescuing them from the wicked.
He saves them,
and they find shelter in him.
This is where my hope lies
Saturday, June 11, 2011
I'm really excited about the concert tonight. It's been exhausting getting all the bands together and making the flyers and getting them posted and having things change and having so many different people to contact to get one night taken care of. It's been a blast putting it together, I'm just hoping and praying for a great turn out and also a good love offering for the Hope House. That's what this whole thing is for so I hope it turns out well.
I know I'll sleep well tonight once everything is finished up!
I'm so thankful that I have been able to get in touch with some amazing musicians and also able to line them up for this concert. Charlotte and Nashville are both a good drive for people to make this thing happen. Again, I'm thankful for them and their willingness to be used in this.
I'm looking forward to doing this again soon. Several things will be done differently because we live and learn and see where we need to do things differently in some areas. I've already been in contact with another band for the next concert and they're happy to be a part of it!
Let's do this!!
I know I'll sleep well tonight once everything is finished up!
I'm so thankful that I have been able to get in touch with some amazing musicians and also able to line them up for this concert. Charlotte and Nashville are both a good drive for people to make this thing happen. Again, I'm thankful for them and their willingness to be used in this.
I'm looking forward to doing this again soon. Several things will be done differently because we live and learn and see where we need to do things differently in some areas. I've already been in contact with another band for the next concert and they're happy to be a part of it!
Let's do this!!
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