Tonight my insecurities are rising to the higher parts of the charts. I'm sure I could name many reasons but I have no desire to do that. Satan is a lying, backstabbing jerk and he's just trying to make me afraid. My emotions are a bit fragile and I have to be cautious at times like these. It isn't even from being tired because I'm well rested. I do know that transparency is frightening sometimes. I just hope it continues to be worth it.

We have had 3 full nights of sleep! I'm overjoyed by this! I can't believe I left my baby with my mother before he is even a year old. That isn't typical of me at all. Exhaustion will do interesting things to a person. I'm glad I left him with her though. She helped him sleep and not expect to eat through the night. Then he came home and has slept really well through the night since then. I'm very grateful. I feel resting and more alive. I hope this continues. I need it to!

Impulse Piercing Party!

Spring break with the cousins was wonderful! It isn't often that most of us can get together outside of holidays. Breakfast was wonderful. Some of the conversation was a little out of hand...but that's becoming more typical as we all get a little older. Someone decided they were going to get a piercing after breakfast so I decided to join in and so did a couple others. By the end of the day, we made plans to all meet up at Diamond Thieves to get piercings and have lots of moral support. Ten of us showed up but only four of us got pierced. I've been a fan of body piercing for as long as I can remember so of course I'm on board for another piercing. I thought this one was going to be bad but it wasn't even as bad as my last one. It was fun. No one cried. No one screamed. And no one threatened to put pictures on Facebook. So, we're all good still :)

I love these people!!!

I'm so freakin tired. Now that Hayden's ears are good to go, he's trying to cut some more teeth. I know this because he bit me twice today while nursing. Not. Cool. He's just destined to not sleep good. Some nights it's all I can do to get him to even go to sleep. When will the madness end?

Fear of What?

I find it somewhat amusing how we try to hide things that we think are "secrets". There are some things that we can keep to ourselves and no one ever know, but it's likely it will eat away at us and someone will know that there is something underlying. They just won't know specifics. But most of the other things in our lives that we try to hide, someone already knows anyway. And people like to talk. So, it's highly likely that several, if not many, people know. This is where I find amusement. We have ourselves so worked up about keeping things "hush hush" in fear of our reputation being dismantled. We miss out on experiencing true freedom at the cost of appeasing our insecurities.
I have talked with a few people over the past 6 months that are trustworthy and loving people. I want to know what they know about me. So, I have asked very specific questions about what they know of my past.  They each have had the same answer and each answer has been dead on. They know specifics that I had hoped they wouldn't. The craziest parts about this is that they have each known for a couple years and THEY STILL LOVE ME AND EVERYONE ELSE INVOLVED! I have harbored so much resentment and built up so much pride and tried to keep so many secrets and avoid certain conversations but there has been no sense in it. Forgiveness, love and grace have been present this whole time and I have completely missed it because of fear.

I feel very blessed to be experiencing freedom the way it is suppose to be experienced. I still have many moments of insecurity and fear and it overwhelms me and I hide from anything and everything hoping that I am looked over. By no means have I arrived where I need to be. But I am so thankful for the love and support that I have had all along this journey, even though I was unaware of it at the time. I'm thankful for honesty and tough love. I'm thankful for tears and repentance. I'm also very thankful for times to share love with others and understanding more of the depth of love that people crave. Knowing how desperate a person can be for love that goes beyond their wrongs helps me find ways to give what people are looking for. Who shall we fear and why? It's time to move forward.

A very wise friend gave me some good advice today. She said...

     Don't get too frustrated by not having a plan. "A man makes his plan but the Lord directs his steps (Proverbs). God will put you where he wants you, and you won't miss it. Just serve and glorify him at every moment, wherever he places you and don't worry about where you'll be tomorrow. If you feel like being in school is best for you and your family, be there. But don't worry about when and where the end result is....If you don't make too many plans, you won't get frustrated when they change. And God can change them in an instant.

These are good words that I needed to hear. And this comes from a person that is very much like all the friends that have been close to me throughout my whole life. They are who they are and aren't willing to say something just to please someone else. They speak truth. Truth is best spoken in love and that's what has been done.

So, to anyone else who may read this and be unhappy that God has made them who they are and hate the fact that other people can't handle their bluntness...this was also said to me today.

     Well...that's the only way I know how to be. I'm myself. So my personality is strong and I don't know how to coddle or appease people. I'm not a "tell you what you want to hear" kind of girl. I tell the truth as I see it, even if it's not easy or popular. It's just who God made me to be. Some people like that, and they stay friends with me (or keep seeking my counsel and support). Some don't like it (lots of people just want pity parties) and those people hate me. I've honestly learned not to care. I try to speak the truth in love and I'm a kind person. If people don't like what I say, there are many others out there they can talk to. It just gives me more free time. I know that sounds harsh, but after being so sad about people hating me, I've grown a thick skin. I'm glad you don't hate me :)

This sums of my friendships over the years. I'm very thankful for people like this. They bring out the best in me if I don't fight it. I'm thankful for wise advice and kind love.

I feel so frustrated with school. I know God has a plan for my education and for my life. He wouldn't allow me to have an all expense paid education without having a specific plan for it. I want to be prudent with everything involved. I don't want to waste any of it. It leaves me so confused though. I've had to drop 3 of the 4 classes I registered for this semester in order to take care of my family. That's my first priority as a wife and mother anyway. So it's ok. Just some other things that have come up in the past week leave me baffled and unsure of what to do. I feel like I'm in the searching stage again. That's a tough place to be. I nearly despise the searching stage. I don't want to settle for something that is less than God's best for me. I have done that many times through my life and I don't want to settle with my education. I want to be precise and do what benefits my family and future best.