Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I just wonder.

Alright it's time to find a good way that I can work out and keep my neck from hurting. I finally found a way to do upper body excercises but it isn't enough to keep me in shape. I've gained more weight than I want to admit since I've been off of full duty at the fire department. In 1 month it will be a year since my injury and it's been nearly that long since I've had a good work out. I refuse to buy new clothes and I also refuse to continue to look the way I do in some of the clothes I have. It's seriously time to find a way to work out and not have migraines from it. Let the exploring begin...

Time has gone by so quickly and my little boy is growing up so fast. Tonight we have Parent Orientation at NB Elementary and this will be the beginning to a long, exciting journey. I canlt believe it's time for him to start kindergarten but I really think he's ready to jump in and learn and make friends. It's very likey that he will be the class clown... He's such a goofball and loves to make people laugh. I'm curious to see what kind of people he chooses as friends and the personalities that he will click with and the ones he won't click with. I'm excited to see the areas of learning that he does well in and curious to see which ones he stuggles in. There's so many new things that are ahead of us and I'm just excited.

I love that Makenna and I are finally beginning to have a special bond that mother and daughter should have.  Her and I had a rough start because of my post partum depression and she had bad colic and was always fussy. Her and I just didn't get off to a good start. What makes me happy is that she's been clinging to me, in a good way. and being different towards me and loving on me and asking to do things with just me. She loves helping me get my Mary Kay things together when an order in and she wants to play babydolls with ME and wants to snuggle with ME at nap time and bed time. I'm so happy she's finally taking to me and wanting me and not always being grumpy. I love my baby girl!

Dear X

Dear pain, oh, it's been a long time

Remember when you were holding me tight

I would stay awake with you all night

Dear shame, I was safe in your arms

You were there when it all fell apart

I would get so lost in your beautiful lies

I let you go

But you're still chasing

Go ahead

You're never gonna take me

You can bend

But you're never gonna break me

I was yours

I'm not yours anymore

Oh, you don't own me

Dear hate, I know you're not far

You would wait at the door of my heart

I was amazed at the passion in your cries

Dear anger, you made me so high

You were faithful to show up on time

Such a flame that was burning in your eyes

I let you go

But you're still chasing

Go ahead

You're never gonna take me

You can bend

But you're never gonna break me

I was yours

But I'm not yours anymore

Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead

Put a target on my forehead

You can fire

But you've got no bullet

I was yours

But I'm not yours anymore

Oh, you don't own me

You tempted me to look back

But everything that we had together was a lie

Go ahead

You're never gonna take me

You can bend

But you're never gonna break me

I was yours

But I'm not yours anymore

Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead

Put a target on my forehead

You can fire

But you've got no bullet

I was yours

But I'm not yours anymore

Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead

Put a target on my forehead

You can fire

But you've got no bullet

I was yours

But I'm not yours anymore

Oh, you don't own me

Control Freak

Take control by losing it

(Give it up!)

This morning I was working in the book Nate and I are using for marriage couseling and I came across a paragraph that I think everyone should read and take to heart
"Remember, being in control doesn't mean you have all the answers or you know the outcome or when the situation will be resolved. Being in control means you have given yourself permission not to have all of these questions answered. You have told yourself that you can handle the uncertainty. Being in control means you have allowed Jesus Christ to come and stand with you in this time of uncertainty. His presence gives you the stability and control you need.
Christ's strength is what you need.
My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakmess. 2 Corinthians 12:9"
Reading this sure makes me step back and question myself. Do I think I have control over situations? I'm definitrly used to things going wrong when I make a plan but in those times when I want everything to go perfect, do I panic and get ill when things go a different way than I planned?
I have to remember to let Christ's presence give me the stability and control that I need. I even see that word "control" leaning more towards having self control. Wow.
God, help me be more like you.

What to do?

I'm at the point (again) in my life that I now have to decide what I want to be when I grow up. The doctor says I have reached my maximum medical improvement and the work restrictions I'm currently on will be my restrictions indefinitely. Now when I hurt my neck 10 months ago, I had no idea it would take me out of my current career. It's rather devistating to know that I put a lot of hard work into a career that I will never do again because I am no longer physically  capable of doing it.
So now the question is "What am I going to do with my life?"
I have some ideas but nothing is definite. I still get to continue working my 40 hour week of light duty because the Fire Marshal and I are in the middle of a huge project that will last 2 or 3 more months but that's all I know about my future for now. I haven't heard any word of what's to come after that. They have no reason to keep me as an employee there because i can no longer handle the physical demands of a firefighter and there are no other positions for me to fill.
Time will tell what's to come. I get anxious about it and sometimes worried but I have to keep reminding myself that none of this has caught God by surprise and He is fully able to provide even my smallest need. I have to remeber to trust that He will give me direction and wisdom in choosing (again) what I want to be when I grow up.