I'm Happy

Today went well. My neck is sore and I'm ready for bed at 6pm but other than that it's been good. It snowed last night so Isaiah didn't get to start preschool yet. I'm hoping he will this week. That sweet boy doesn't want to admit that he's excited about going to school but yet he was seriously bummed this morning.

Tomorrow is going to be a very big day for my little family. I can't believe how quickly 4 years has gone by. Isaiah starts Kindergarten in 8 months so I want him to be academically and socially prepared for it when it gets here. He starts preschool tomorrow. I believe 3 days a week is a good start for him and it's going to be the best financially for us also. I'm not sure how Makenna is going to adjust with him being gone but I really do believe she will be okay. She has quite the imagination and can make up any kind of story and have parties with her "best friends" that no one else can see. She will do well with this, I'm sure. As for Isaiah, he already has a little friend, Caleb, in his class and they get along very well together and have known each other for nearly a year so that will help him. As for Mommy...well...it's difficult to see your little boy step out into a small world of his own. There are things that I'm happy about and things that I worry about. I'm happy that he is going to have time devoted to learning the basics of the academic world and I'm happy that he will have many little people to make friends with and he will learn different personalities. I'm worried about him being mistreated by other kids and him not knowing how to stand up for himself and just all the little things that there are to learn in life. Preschool is a place where little people get together and begin to learn life together. Even though it's just "preschool", it's still a very big step for such a little guy.

Another big step for us is that I start back to work tomorrow also. I'm still on light duty so I will begin a 40 hour week which will consist of Monday-Friday, 9am-5pm. This is the first time I will ever work a schedule like this. It's going to be difficult for a couple reasons. I haven't been away from my kids for those kind of hours in quite awhile and I know we will all miss each other terribly but the up side to that is knowing it

will be healthy for us to have time apart and will make the time together more valuable. It may also be difficult on my body. I haven't been able to be very active without it resulting in a lot of pain in my neck which then results in a migraine. I will have to take it easy and listen to the clues that my body gives me on if I'm doing too much or not.Well, bring on the week!

I am holding tight to this promise because I am weary and in need of His perfect strength

I thank God for this new year and for the many new things He's going to bring into my life. I know there will be many challenges, joys, difficulties, laughs, tears, hugs, and promises. I want HIS best for me this year. I want Him to shine through my life and get the glory in everything that is accomplished. He is good and He is worthy. I would not be alive if it were not for the grace of my Lord.

Ecclesiastes 5:18-20
18 Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good. It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life. 19 And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life—this is indeed a gift from God. 20 God keeps such people so busy enjoying life that they take no time to brood over the past.

...

...for what has passed and what is to come!

"Love as though you've never been hurt"

That really is a tough one. I struggle with this one a lot. It's something that I long to do. I'm not sure how to let go of past hurts and let myself love as if I haven't been hurt before. Maybe I should say that I can love even though I've been hurt. The part that I have trouble with is loving the person that has hurt me. I'm still searching out how to get where I need to be and have peace within when trying to unconditionally love the ones that have hurt me.

I have so much potential lying inside of me but here I stay, stuck here with this "good for nothing" feeling. It's breaks me down so often. I need somewhere and something to put my time and effort into. I need to make more of myself than this lame, can't work, always in pain, zombie I've become. No wonder I deal with this depression the way that I have. I need to put myself out there and put my life into other's lives. I miss that. Not that I need my life to be consumed with something but I do need something productive to place my heart and life into.
I think I'm going to finish this post and send an email to Asheville Crisis Pregnancy Center. I have been meaning to do that for the past couple of months but I have failed to do so. I don't know what is waiting for me there but I have this unexplainable draw to that place. Something is definitely waiting for me there. I need to jump in and see what it is and get this feeling of worthlessness behind me. It bogs me down tremendously and I need to kick it.