I have heard Joel 2:25 before...

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten"

That's only the first part of the verse but that's where my focus is right now. I have heard this several times lately and I've wondered where it was and what it was meaning. Well, I found it. And I have my own translation of the meaning. God will restore what was lost. Plain and simple. Now, I can apply it to myself.

I feel like I have lost many years to pain, grief, pride, impurity, selfishness and foolishness. It's apparent that God promises to restore that time when I surrender my life and will to him. So, here I am. Surrendering once more and in other areas that I have missed before. I want freedom and I want healing. That's the journey I've been on. It isn't easy but I'm seeing more and more that it's totally worth it. My marriage has lost several years of beauty and holiness as God has intended it. He's going to give us those years back just as he promises in this verse in Joel! I have failed to have sexual purity in my life for many more years and I have finally...FINALLY...admitted that and released the control that I thought I had over it and have asked God's forgiveness in that area of my life and have experienced true freedom from sexual impurity and am expecting the healing to follow. God is so cool! Finally, I am expecting physical healing. My neck has been hurting almost every day for the past 3 years. It holds me back from having life in my days sometimes. The past 5 days have been a good example of that. I cannot live like this forever. It HAS to get better. I cannot be the woman, wife and mother that God wants me to be with the physical restrictions that I have. So I'm going to fully rely on his healing in my body. I have no control over it. I never have (even if I thought I have from time to time). He will heal me and he will give me back the past 3 years that the locusts (chronic pain) has eaten. I'm going to expect this and look in great hopes of it. I need it! God is faithful and just. He has given me freedom and healing in so many areas and I look to him for this as well.

I'm sick

Letting Go Again

Today has been a day of letting go of control. I'm not really a big control freak. I have had some intense times in my life of being a control freak but most of the time I'm pretty chill about things. I have felt emotionally on edge lately and I've been trying to get to the root of it. This is not an easy task sometimes. Especially when I don't have much time to myself to think or to do anythings else really.
I'm giving up control again. For some people this is a daily task, or an hourly task or sometimes even a task necessary per minute. I just need to release any control that I think I may have and let go so God can make the changes he needs to make in me so I can allow him to move freely.
I am releasing control of  myself, my education, my current and future job, my children, my marriage, my husband (marriage and husband are two separate things), my church involvement and ministry involvement, my compulsive behaviors, my ex's soon to be wedding, my homework, my physical health, my finances (or lack of), my living situation, the temperament of my husband and children, my relationships and friendships, and my sleep. I have no control over any of these things. I want to have a certain level of control over many of them but the truth is that I have none. When I get to the place of realizing (again) that I have no control over anything and that it's all, individually and as a whole, in Gods hands and it's in his control, I can live life a little fuller because that takes a load off me. He knows what's best and I have to trust that and I do trust that. I have to continue to make the conscious decision to free myself from the burden of thinking I have any control.
It seems like my list of things to release control of is long. Well, it is. I'm sure it could be longer if I allowed myself to dig deeper. The truth is, I don't have time to dig deeper and when I lack time to concentrate on these things, that's when it gets worse. So this is me making time to stop and think and allow myself a place to look back and remember what I have released control of (AGAIN).
I'm thankful for a loving relationship with Jesus so overwhelming and beautiful to where he's ok with me having to do this time after time. I'm blessed and undeserving.

1 Year Old

I decided to make this a simple low cost and low key birthday party. We don't need anything extravagant, we just needed to celebrate a precious life. Happy birthday little man!

We chose Monkey's because Makenna says Hayden is curious like Curious George :)

His monkey cake wasn't perfect but he loved it!

Hayden celebrated his first birthday on the same day grandaddy turned 90. This is pretty awesome. 

I really hate it when I've taken awhile to type out an email from my heart and feel like I have proof read it 30 times only to type one last sentence, hit send, and then realize I never proof read the last sentence and that's the one that needed correcting. Fail.
There's more to life than leaving out a word. I know. I know. The word "for" can be very important though!
Eh well. It's in Gods hands to do whatever He thinks is most necessary with it WHEN He thinks it's most necessary. I have no control. I gave that up awhile ago. So it's really been in Gods hands all along.

Hayden's new thing is pulling my shirt up a little and biting my bellybutton ring and then trying to pull it with his teeth. Weird. This needs to stop. It's just interesting what a 12 month old finds hysterical :)

It's a little late but we're finally getting ready for the little big mans birthday party. I may be going all out on this. I'm not sure. He's just precious. I'm not spending much money. I refuse to. I'm making some gluten free cupcakes that will look like little monkeys and Makenna wants me to make Hayden his own little yellow cake. I'll have to think about that one because I hadn't planned to. I'm making all the decorations. It won't cost much at all but it will be a super cute first birthday. I hope I can manage all this with 3 of us being sick. Hayden is finally starting to feel a little better. Nate is passed out on the couch right now because he is miserably sick. He didn't call out of work today but when he got there they started looking for a replacement for him and found one so he was able to come back home. I'm not feeling all that great but I'm managing 3 kids the best I can with the sickness that I have. So, preparing for the party should be interesting to say the least. I'm looking forward to celebrating!