I love that Makenna and I are finally beginning to have a special bond that mother and daughter should have.  Her and I had a rough start because of my post partum depression and she had bad colic and was always fussy. Her and I just didn't get off to a good start. What makes me happy is that she's been clinging to me, in a good way. and being different towards me and loving on me and asking to do things with just me. She loves helping me get my Mary Kay things together when an order in and she wants to play babydolls with ME and wants to snuggle with ME at nap time and bed time. I'm so happy she's finally taking to me and wanting me and not always being grumpy. I love my baby girl!

Dear X

Dear pain, oh, it's been a long time

Remember when you were holding me tight

I would stay awake with you all night

Dear shame, I was safe in your arms

You were there when it all fell apart

I would get so lost in your beautiful lies

I let you go

But you're still chasing

Go ahead

You're never gonna take me

You can bend

But you're never gonna break me

I was yours

I'm not yours anymore

Oh, you don't own me

Dear hate, I know you're not far

You would wait at the door of my heart

I was amazed at the passion in your cries

Dear anger, you made me so high

You were faithful to show up on time

Such a flame that was burning in your eyes

I let you go

But you're still chasing

Go ahead

You're never gonna take me

You can bend

But you're never gonna break me

I was yours

But I'm not yours anymore

Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead

Put a target on my forehead

You can fire

But you've got no bullet

I was yours

But I'm not yours anymore

Oh, you don't own me

You tempted me to look back

But everything that we had together was a lie

Go ahead

You're never gonna take me

You can bend

But you're never gonna break me

I was yours

But I'm not yours anymore

Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead

Put a target on my forehead

You can fire

But you've got no bullet

I was yours

But I'm not yours anymore

Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead

Put a target on my forehead

You can fire

But you've got no bullet

I was yours

But I'm not yours anymore

Oh, you don't own me

Control Freak

Take control by losing it

(Give it up!)

This morning I was working in the book Nate and I are using for marriage couseling and I came across a paragraph that I think everyone should read and take to heart
"Remember, being in control doesn't mean you have all the answers or you know the outcome or when the situation will be resolved. Being in control means you have given yourself permission not to have all of these questions answered. You have told yourself that you can handle the uncertainty. Being in control means you have allowed Jesus Christ to come and stand with you in this time of uncertainty. His presence gives you the stability and control you need.
Christ's strength is what you need.
My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakmess. 2 Corinthians 12:9"
Reading this sure makes me step back and question myself. Do I think I have control over situations? I'm definitrly used to things going wrong when I make a plan but in those times when I want everything to go perfect, do I panic and get ill when things go a different way than I planned?
I have to remember to let Christ's presence give me the stability and control that I need. I even see that word "control" leaning more towards having self control. Wow.
God, help me be more like you.

What to do?

I'm at the point (again) in my life that I now have to decide what I want to be when I grow up. The doctor says I have reached my maximum medical improvement and the work restrictions I'm currently on will be my restrictions indefinitely. Now when I hurt my neck 10 months ago, I had no idea it would take me out of my current career. It's rather devistating to know that I put a lot of hard work into a career that I will never do again because I am no longer physically  capable of doing it.
So now the question is "What am I going to do with my life?"
I have some ideas but nothing is definite. I still get to continue working my 40 hour week of light duty because the Fire Marshal and I are in the middle of a huge project that will last 2 or 3 more months but that's all I know about my future for now. I haven't heard any word of what's to come after that. They have no reason to keep me as an employee there because i can no longer handle the physical demands of a firefighter and there are no other positions for me to fill.
Time will tell what's to come. I get anxious about it and sometimes worried but I have to keep reminding myself that none of this has caught God by surprise and He is fully able to provide even my smallest need. I have to remeber to trust that He will give me direction and wisdom in choosing (again) what I want to be when I grow up.

I like having my new Droid Pro. I can finally catch up on my blogging. Yay!!!!

Wow. It's been such a long time since I've been able to blog. No internet at the new house yet. No access to my blog at work. I finally have a spare moment to write. Yay!
Everything's been so crazy busy. I don't know how long I'll be working for The Town of Weaverville since my doctor has put me on indefinite restrictions. I don't know where this road will lead me but I'm glad God is smoothing out the road ahead of me so I don't stumble on the way. I'm glad He's holding me and knows my future and loves me enough to work it all out.

I've been really tired the past several weeks. I know I don't do things at work that are physically demanding but I do get my 40 hours in and it sure does zap the energy right out of me. I fall asleep every night on the couch before I get the kids to sleep so then it's after midnight before I get to bed. I enjoy working (and getting a paycheck!) but I would really like some extra sleep soon. I think it would benefit me greatly.
The music ministry is going wonderfully! I'm so thrilled to be in a place where I can use my talents to my potential and glorify God with it all. It's great to be learning how to lead worship and play piano. It's fun and I love it! I'm happy to be used and I'm happy that it's something I enjoy so much!
I'm trying to get myself motivated for the move we're going to make here in a few weeks. It's coming up very soon but there's not much we can do in preparation for it because we use most of the stuff we have in our house. I got some paint for Isaiah's new bedroom today so that's one tiny bit of preparation. Soon we'll actually have to do the dreaded job of painting. I really don't like painting rooms but I know it will look a lot better when we get it done and we want it done before we actually move in.
Lots to do but we can't do anything for a few more weeks. It's time to hurry up and wait and enjoy the family time and sunshine :)