It has been an absolute insane beginning of the semester for me and my household. My time and energy is more committed than it has ever been. Every day is intense and exhausting. I find myself looking for time to go home and sit or just lay in the bed to remember what it feels like to be settled and know what relaxation is. School is very busy but it's so good. I love every bit of it. Except for Electron Interactions... But I'm doing very well in this program and I've been able to help a couple classmates boost their grades which has been awesome to see. Clinic is a neat experience. I enjoy most of it. Some people are harder to work with than others but that's to be expected. I don't have much free time on my hands at all and the Facebook hiatus I'm on has been wonderful. Sleep and quiet are my best friends right now. It's possible that they are more so the new loves of my life. I'm going to go find both of them now.

Dearest Summer, you have come to an end

I'm crazy happy/stressed/excited/overwhelmed/ready/nervous/and whatever else about school starting back tomorrow. It's been awhile since I've been in an actual medical program. I know what's expected. I know how it works. But I haven't done this with 3 children. Oh. My. Gosh. That's what's so overwhelming. I know it will be good and my main focus will have to be to do what I need to do one day at a time. So, here's to making it through tonight and sleeping without nervous anxiety! Then tomorrow I will try to only be concerned with what is necessary to get me through the first day of the semester. I know I have to plan ahead and be wise with my time and with my other commitments but I will drive myself crazy if I try to look at the big picture. I will need to live one day at a time and enjoy one moment at a time.

Crap...my pants need to go in the dryer. See...planning ahead is a brilliant idea.

Journey Onward!!

Times Like These

I don't have the opportunity to help people financially very often. Or do I?
Perhaps I just don't have my eyes open wide enough to see the needs that are always there.

I was at Walmart yesterday getting a cake for my mom's surprise birthday party and I was in line waiting to check out. I had to text Nate to be sure I had the things he had asked me to get, so I let the lady that was behind go on ahead of me while I waited for his reply. They were scanning all of her items and I was noticing all of it which is something I don't normally do. It was school supplies for her two children that were with her and some food also. As they were getting near the last few items, it was apparent that she didn't have enough money for all the things they needed. So, she asked to have a few items taken off so she could only get the things she could afford.
I have been in this situation more times than I would like to admit. I know how it feels to have your children with you and try to be getting all the things necessary to provide for your family. I watched the expression on her face as she decided what to keep and what to put back. She had to get the school supplies so she started putting back food. My heart began to sink as I watched her put back four different foods that I would consider necessary to keep your family healthy. There was a wave that washed over my body as if I was being pulled into the situation. I haven't felt that before like that. So, after she paid, I said, "Ma'am? Do you mind if I buy that food for you?" Her reply, "Oh. I wouldn't mind if you would want to buy it. That would be such a blessing." So they scanned her food and bagged it for her and she went on her way. She left after saying, "God bless you." And I watched her walk out the door wiping tears from her face.

What a precious moment that God allowed me to be part of. After I was told the total of all the things I was getting, the lady I was paying told me that the total of the lady's food that I paid for was 6 buck and some change. I thought to myself, "That wasn't too bad." Then after it was all said and done, I thought more...how many $6 opportunities have I missed? That isn't a lot of money. There have been times, and still are times, that I only have $6 to keep my family going for a weekend. Honestly. It sucks. But I had that money to give and I can sacrifice a meal, myself, and it will be ok. That lady was so grateful and I could see it in the tears of joy and thankfulness that she wiped from her face. It was a blessing to be able to bless someone and I'm glad I seized the opportunity. I hope I will keep my eyes open to more situations like that one.

I have heard Joel 2:25 before...

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten"

That's only the first part of the verse but that's where my focus is right now. I have heard this several times lately and I've wondered where it was and what it was meaning. Well, I found it. And I have my own translation of the meaning. God will restore what was lost. Plain and simple. Now, I can apply it to myself.

I feel like I have lost many years to pain, grief, pride, impurity, selfishness and foolishness. It's apparent that God promises to restore that time when I surrender my life and will to him. So, here I am. Surrendering once more and in other areas that I have missed before. I want freedom and I want healing. That's the journey I've been on. It isn't easy but I'm seeing more and more that it's totally worth it. My marriage has lost several years of beauty and holiness as God has intended it. He's going to give us those years back just as he promises in this verse in Joel! I have failed to have sexual purity in my life for many more years and I have finally...FINALLY...admitted that and released the control that I thought I had over it and have asked God's forgiveness in that area of my life and have experienced true freedom from sexual impurity and am expecting the healing to follow. God is so cool! Finally, I am expecting physical healing. My neck has been hurting almost every day for the past 3 years. It holds me back from having life in my days sometimes. The past 5 days have been a good example of that. I cannot live like this forever. It HAS to get better. I cannot be the woman, wife and mother that God wants me to be with the physical restrictions that I have. So I'm going to fully rely on his healing in my body. I have no control over it. I never have (even if I thought I have from time to time). He will heal me and he will give me back the past 3 years that the locusts (chronic pain) has eaten. I'm going to expect this and look in great hopes of it. I need it! God is faithful and just. He has given me freedom and healing in so many areas and I look to him for this as well.

I'm sick

Letting Go Again

Today has been a day of letting go of control. I'm not really a big control freak. I have had some intense times in my life of being a control freak but most of the time I'm pretty chill about things. I have felt emotionally on edge lately and I've been trying to get to the root of it. This is not an easy task sometimes. Especially when I don't have much time to myself to think or to do anythings else really.
I'm giving up control again. For some people this is a daily task, or an hourly task or sometimes even a task necessary per minute. I just need to release any control that I think I may have and let go so God can make the changes he needs to make in me so I can allow him to move freely.
I am releasing control of  myself, my education, my current and future job, my children, my marriage, my husband (marriage and husband are two separate things), my church involvement and ministry involvement, my compulsive behaviors, my ex's soon to be wedding, my homework, my physical health, my finances (or lack of), my living situation, the temperament of my husband and children, my relationships and friendships, and my sleep. I have no control over any of these things. I want to have a certain level of control over many of them but the truth is that I have none. When I get to the place of realizing (again) that I have no control over anything and that it's all, individually and as a whole, in Gods hands and it's in his control, I can live life a little fuller because that takes a load off me. He knows what's best and I have to trust that and I do trust that. I have to continue to make the conscious decision to free myself from the burden of thinking I have any control.
It seems like my list of things to release control of is long. Well, it is. I'm sure it could be longer if I allowed myself to dig deeper. The truth is, I don't have time to dig deeper and when I lack time to concentrate on these things, that's when it gets worse. So this is me making time to stop and think and allow myself a place to look back and remember what I have released control of (AGAIN).
I'm thankful for a loving relationship with Jesus so overwhelming and beautiful to where he's ok with me having to do this time after time. I'm blessed and undeserving.

1 Year Old

I decided to make this a simple low cost and low key birthday party. We don't need anything extravagant, we just needed to celebrate a precious life. Happy birthday little man!

We chose Monkey's because Makenna says Hayden is curious like Curious George :)

His monkey cake wasn't perfect but he loved it!

Hayden celebrated his first birthday on the same day grandaddy turned 90. This is pretty awesome.