The more I think about things over the past couple days the more I hope that I don't appear to be a person that has it all together. I most definitely do not! I am still a pile of mess that strives to find the best way to get through every day. I am overwhelmed more than I am not. I struggle with bad thoughts and even going through with them  a lot. I am nothing but a heap of trash that has ultimately been forgiven and I'm working every day, some days harder than others, on getting this heap of trash into a beautiful creation.
I am often intimidated by people who appear to have it all together. I am often intimidated by pretty people. I want to be like them and look like them. But I'm just me and I have to remember that and I have to remember that even those other people who may appear to have it "all together"...they don't.
We (I) have been shown by so many others that wearing a mask is the best way to get by so you don't bring others down and so you can stay strong for others who are weak and so you don't get looked down on. In reality, we're all weak. Some have strengths where others have weaknesses but we all are weak and if we would be totally honest, we just plain don't have it all together and we need the help of someone, a friend, a parent, a spouse, Jesus, whomever, to help us through.
This has been a really difficult week for me. I have tried to hold it together the best I can but all that has done is made me angry and exposed to a bad temperament. I should have admitted to myself and to at least someone else that the first trip to the hospital was a bit overwhelming. Then after the second trip, I should have just cried it out and gotten rid of the emotions that I've been hanging on to.
I went to Labor and Delivery because of these pains I've been having. I didn't have these pains with the others until they were ready to be born, so I was really nervous. Come to find out my pubic bone is slowly being separated by the stretching of everything inside and that's why I hurt. I can handle it. It hurts every day, every time I get up, every time I sit, yada yada, so forth, etc. I will make it work though.
Isaiah woke up Sunday morning throwing up blood and I cried only for a minute about it. I was in a panic but it was 4:30 am and I had to get dressed, get someone to the house to stay with Makenna, get Isaiah dressed, pack a snack because I can't go long in the mornings without food, get my head on straight and get my boy to the ER. I cried all the way to the hospital but I don't know if Nate or Isaiah either one heard me. I didn't want Isaiah to hear me because I didn't want him to be scared so I let my tears out quietly. I knew that a hysterical mother wouldn't be allowed to stay with her son there so I pulled myself together and stayed strong like a good girl.
No good answer from the doctor so we took him to his pediatrician Monday. He's fine and he's going to be fine. He's on Previcid for acid reflux which only makes sense with our family history. Now he's taking pills that you have to swallow whole so that's a chore in itself but he's a big boy and learning how to do it better every day.
May I say now that I have been an emotional wreck but I haven't spoken a word of it?
Sometimes you just aren't strong and that's okay. Tell someone. Get the words out that you NEED to, cry out what you need to and get yourself to a healthier state. Yes, I'm talking to myself and whoever else is reading.

You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You’re reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

I know I’m not perfect
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let you down
But you love me the same

And when I’m surrounded
When I lose my way
When I’m crying out and falling down
You are here to 

Lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

The Afters-You Lift Me Up (Partial Lyrics)

I need some Jesus today. Real bad.

The ultrasound showed us that it's a boy just as I have predicted

If all goes the way it's suppose to and we stay healthy we'll see him again in May

These quotes are absolutely beautiful

Forgiveness is the giving, and so the receiving, of life. --George MacDonald

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.-- Mahatma Gandhi

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.—Unknown

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were. --Cherie Carter-Scott

He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.--George Herbert

Many people are afraid to forgive because they feel they must remember the wrong or they will not learn from it. The opposite is true. Through forgiveness, the wrong is released from its emotional stranglehold on us so that we can learn from it. Through the power and intelligence of the heart, the release of forgiveness brings expanded intelligence to work with the situation more effectively. -- David McArthur & Bruce McArthur

A Christian will find it cheaper to pardon than to resent. Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, and the waste of spirit. --Hannah More

Forgiveness means that you've decided not to let it keep festering inside even if it only comes up once in awhile. --Doc Childre and Howard Martin

Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time—just like it does for you and me. --Sara Paddison

Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past. --Unknown

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting. --William A. Ward

You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well. --Lewis B. Smedes

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. --William Blake

Without deep humility, true forgiveness is impossible…and will never happen. --Martha Kilpatrick

Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me. --Anonymous

One forgives to the degree that one loves. --Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future. Louis B. Smedes

"Whoever is forgiven much, loves much." Luke 7:47

"It is one thing to be forgiven, to actually receive it is another matter." Gary Amirault

The picture frames I made for the grandparents really make me happy so I must share them <3

       

       

      

         

I'll be brave and say that these will be the best gifts the grandparents get this Christmas. Yay!

Christmas and I have a sort of bitter-sweet relationship now. I wouldn't trade anything for the time that I get to spend with the Owensby's and Johnson's. That's the sweet part. I still just struggle so darn bad with the whole other side of the family. It's just difficult. I don't ever feel completely accepted or free to be who I am. I love giving. I love giving from the heart. I'm not free to do that there. Maybe I've just felt for so many years that I give all I have to give and it isn't appreciated like I hope it will be. And it's hard for me to enjoy Christmas when I get so many things at one time that I really have no idea what I've gotten when I get home. That isn't Christmas to me. No one has to buy my gratitude. No one needs to buy my appreciation. In fact, no one can. That seems cheap to me. I don't need all these things to make me happy. Things from the heart make me happy. Not stuff..stuff...stuff...stuff...stuff... I will take something homemade any day. I will take a couple things over handfuls of things. It all loses it's purpose and sincerity when things begin to pile up. And I REALLY get frustrated when my kids are given so much that they don't have time to sit and appreciate the few things they've been given. It just all goes against everything I've ever known Christmas to be.
The only things I want for Christmas are a couple gift cards to Lowe's so I can do some things around the house that I need to do and I want a nice, cozy, comfortable, bright housecoat. Those things would make Christmas complete for me.

Oh...getting a Zildjian hoodie wouldn't hurt my feelings at all...

Survival=Victory

I did it! I survived and passed this semester! I'm not thrilled that I passed with 2-B's and 2-C's, but given the circumstances of the past 16 weeks, I will not complain at all. It's a totally different task to go to school having a 5 and 4 year old and finding out a quarter of the way through the semester that you're pregnant. All of that is fine but the sheer misery of morning sickness every day for 9 weeks is what did me in. So, over half the semester, I spent my mornings bowing to the porcelain god in the bathroom, or the side of the road, whichever was closest at any given moment. That's the reason I'm calling it survival.
Next semester will be different again because I'm going to attempt 2 classes during the first 8 weeks and then another 2 classes the second 8 weeks. I decided it was going to be best to do it that way because of my due date being May 24th and my kids tend to come 3 weeks early which will put me right at time for finals. I would rather have to make up 2 finals, or try to take them early, than trying to do that with 4 classes.
After saying all that, I'm going to kick back and enjoy my 2 weeks off. Right... I meant I'm going to clean the house, get the kids room in a better working order since we have put them in bunk beds and I will also continue getting the baby's room together :) Oh AND read my history book for next semester so I'm not killing myself with the workload of an online, 8 week History class. Just the combination of those words make me cringe. When these next 3.5 years are complete, I'll be happy that I dug in and got all this done!